I remembered like yesterday my 1st sister's messaging like that(to Solat) maybe due to "Cik Norma" that already died, I wonder what it's for too, it's unnecessary same repetitions in life too, I think I block them without regret as the communication way was not used peacefully but to cause anger in my heart by talking common sense.
Daily it's the same thing in life, it just feels like I can forget (S) suddenly but I know I can't, just trying hard to be normal person, I've been missing her since kindergarten, the only life of mine left is definitely her because the other 2 already didn't hang on to me because of schizophrenia, my thinking became different and they truly left me anyway, success of small girl happened sadly. I really feel helpless in life for so long and none of them were ever with me during my difficulties, why would I suddenly marry them like story of doctors? I really didn't get my happiness for 17-20 years long, it's odd to break-up for awhile for 17-20 years, they're definitely gone from my life whatever doctor's story is like: I would register back bottles-uncapped.com and be in touch with (A) again, I just don't know how to believe the love is real anymore because they willingly left me while they're healthy, and they can work means they actually can have the health to meet me too. Just lucky how I didnt become a man that kept using a girl's money, I'm still normal and safe about this.
Why they didn't put efforts is odd for me, like why (W) didn't remind me when I was with (A)? She didn't feel it's weird to suddenly break-up? I just feel there's no way to recover from it but just trying to live life while the small girl's voice keep living around me somehow in memories replaying into my mind of what I wanted to forget will become unsuccessful.
Yesterday night I bought 1 pair of shoes, 2 pairs of cargo pants, 3 oversize loose t-shirts and I feel satisfied about the price being so cheap, then I remember and worry about the quality of the t-shirts especially, will ice silk material ruin itself somehow from washes in washing machine? Will it last long like more than 100 wears? I really hope so that the discount price is really a discount and not that the material is cheap, it's like drone used to cost $18 then suddenly now it's $1.88, the quality definitely still the price of $18. It's just been too many of it that they needed to sell away. I feel like reselling drones but people can get it from TikTok themselves, it's really a pleasure of fun in life to have something unique like that.
I remember of planning to sell the portable ashtray at $4 each, and hope I become successful in it until sales in Batam making them a cleaner and greener country at the same time due to having a house there and I truly want to become somebody through education.
I remember 17 years old doctor said I will score 100/100 in exam during GCE O Level starting and middle exam, that I will screenshot to my family Whatsapp, then I have removed myself from family Whatsapp because it's unnecessary pain to feel in life. Doctors didn't help me about it too, sadly, I wonder what will happen.
Next year definitely not the year that I'm taking O Level because my Jobclub is entire month of January, O Level studies should've started by then. I really think I will start taking O Level in year 2027, finally my minds well and healthier to do it? Or I actually can skip it due to becoming a hacker, I can get master degree in computers studies due to the criteria I am capable to do for the master degree. It's weird but I really wish for an easier life than this, my family didn't give me ease at all in WhatsApp, the peacefulness is not clearly for me at all like they don't mind 17 years long of no communication but continued like that, it truly waste time like my mother if become too much I definitely will block her too then I will have no one to message anymore, they're definitely not being nice to me on purpose, they talk common sense easily like nothing commanding a common sense actions to do in life, while they feel it's nice some people like me know it's painful action to "force own self" to do something.
I'm planning like half year on medication to try be happy but I would be busy doing Jobclub already, then in February is Bulan Puasa that I think doctor said I will perform Puasa for 30 days straight, just to lose weight I think, I really want to feel the days of life of Ramadan being so peaceful at night and not voices of small girl, I really can't do anything about it just the medication as the support and strength to my life.
I still don't believe I will celebrate Hari Raya, means I would stay at home during their visits to others' house maybe because I feel awkward still until now, I don't know how to ask for forgiveness at all, it's definitely awkward and my age is the age people start to ask for forgiveness in a long statement but I can only "Maaf Zahir & Batin". Haha. Weird I really don't know what to say at all. I think I'm not going to places during Hari Raya and just stay at home as normal life. They definitely need to be the ones making me comfortable and not me because I've been having schizophrenia for so long, I definitely will feel awkward around people.
I remember during schizophrenia moments I went to Choa Chu Kang to look for my Grandmother's house and I forgot where is it, I hear voices there's a healing way at there, I go up lift and goes back down, but weird the police didn't tell people in my grandmother's house that someone familiar that goes to their house was there around midnight until early morning, I just walk around at Choa Chu Kang, still thinking of (S), I remember during my schizophrenia I kept seeing visions of my aunt in telekong like talking to me many times, like the cause of anger because irritating how I keep seeing faces of others when I'm schizophrenic alone in room. I feel like the small girl really had done my life to be going there, but I really don't know, where the voices are from then, it's just my luck as I grow older I got experimented as a schizophrenic experiences "of what I would do", like going far until Johor. I really have nobody helping me it feels bad, her mother or father just can't capture her in enough time most of the time, and I have to become a victim of her attack-mood that she forgets after performing an attack-move. It's weird how she will still remember and tell her friend about it, like how her boyfriend was attacked-back into thinking I went out with his mother.
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