Nowadays I look at computers, their ram is 16GB to 32GB but still the price is quite cheap sometimes, then the newest laptop is $15,000 wow. Still exist expensive laptops or computers. It's been so long I lost touch about computers knowledge, I don't think I'm a noob but then 4GB Ram is what I feel enough for a computer usage to be smooth, more GB will plan to play Smite of course it's like R.P.G of Mobile Legends it's so cool.
I remember about (S) if I should give up, even if doctor claim she talk to herself that she loves me on 17 November 2025, because I can't verify if it's true, I really love her so much then I'm just living my life without her and thinking about my future to have a wife, or "anyone" that is suitable for me to become my wife that I can become a grandfather at old age, I really want to have my own lineage and feel what it feels like to be a father or grandfather, I'm just too old for such thing I feel so late in life. (S) somewhat calm about it not like me in a rush and feel the needs of such things.
I remember doctor telling my father not to buy me games because schizophrenia will spoil things easily, then he will give me by cash 1 day, but I don't know when. It sucks have to be like thinking of cash all the time.
Now is 26 Dec 25, 134th Day out of ward on medications and +48 = 182 Days on medications, tomorrow will finally be my 6th month on medications. I'm half year done finally. It's definitely nice achievement and my left arm is only abit in pain anyway.
My data usage is 120mb/400gb now, I feel the rush of wanting to enjoy my life using data's taking photos of I don't know where and what, my faces always looks the same in pictures but the point is the background is other places anyway, there's a lot of elevator image especially as I like the new elevator, and just taking picture of what I wear.
Plans just remaining as plans, as it's maybe 1 year then I will be getting my money to support myself, they really going to be strict on me and not support me even on 6th month of medications? It's really harsh I feel, luckily I still have money but then I'm not sure if in February I will be getting any G.S.T or Assurance Package money, it could be March or April even, sadly I have to experience an endurance without money? Life is really harsh, I hope I'm not too angry feelings many times.
Writings about myself is just to update to (S) about my life - being her kindergarten memories friend, I hope I can become someone special in her heart. It's nostalgic moments that we Malay dance as partners and it would be nice if we become husband & wife too. I really want a future together with (S). (S) living her life as usual, today is Friday so maybe working, hard worker kind of girl. I hope she's healthy as she's always been, I really don't want her to experience lovesickness and hope I will be around for her when she needs me if she loves me as reality but 17 November 25 onwards? It's really special date told to me in M.R.T. I think I've been alone for 16 years and not 17 years because (A) was 16 years old when I'm 21 years old, means ive been alone for 16 years already, I really thought my N.S is 20 years old. It's so long and kind of a lot of struggle and endurance in my life. Medicine definitely helps me from the heat and voices, the rage feelings don't happen to me anymore when I'm on medication and it's been 6 mths. I'm definitely less angry but quite annoyed of how my life is difficult. But I remember my father's choice is my happiness, and doctor was the one that told my father not to buy me games because I will be more sad if I ruined it because of schizophrenia.
Today I look at Dina is really grown up, I still only remember her as 3 years old then suddenly teleported to 20 years old, it feels like that, that she's suddenly gone and become someone different. She really became a solat type of girl and different than me, all of my family even my nephews solat except me. I became an endurance type of lifestyle and I don't know why I can't yet, schizophrenia maybe causes unable to solat properly or with nice feelings, or it's just maybe the spikes making me catatonic and painful.
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