It would be fun I think if gaming experience happens again, I'm so bored and my life not updated about games but I know I would be something about RG477V, I still feel like buying the cheaper one 1st 1 day, I want to have more shelf to organize my assets 1 day, it would look cool to have a lot of assets, I definitely love it, it's like buying the Mini Radio for $18, I definitely feel more life with Radio sometimes. I kept listening to Gold 90.5FM for the love songs, it's just something I want to be happy with (S) and feel such relaxation and calmness type of music, it's funny though if switch on then a bad song. The lyric is really funny "ever since I met you, you're the only love I knew" isn't it like true love songs, it's really interesting and hope I get the girl that I love the most. To: (S)
I think I should just save up until my money finishes, if I have to, I'll buy newspaper and take tobaccos from my brother's unfinished cigarettes and smoke. I really have to survive, my life is really hard.
Not having the health I need, I feel like a burden to people if appear to people's life, didn't they make it like people would think of money first? Definitely it's harsh life this way. I feel jobclub is the only thing I would start having reason to ask for money, I feel it's like that but I don't know, it looks like my parents really making it 1 year and not 6 mths, I really feel bad about living life, it's definitely and seriously endurance I have to feel? I've endured from heat of schizophrenia for so long then I have to endure even the normal part of life? Why did doctor make it so strict? Why is this truly my real happiness?
It's only been a few hours since I blog, then I write a post again, I definitely have nothing to do, someone is coming to visit my mother later about going to K.L then I'm in my room, I can't sleep, I feel like riding around, and I'm thinking of (S) as usual, why did (S) really let me feel this way and experiences? Doctor said there's a video of me and (S) together when we were still a baby, I think doctor really said this, it means we're baby-friends in the past then she really forgotten about me? She really don't mind losing her baby-friend at all? I accompany her boredom during her baby days I think, I'm definitely a lovely lover. Why is she still making it difficult for me that I love her then she just doing "I don't know u" kind of thing like ignoring "because attached" as the reason, then I have nobody for real in this life?
Gaming definitely will cure and heal me abit? Anhedonia is too serious if I don't feel pleasure I will feel bored and like a happiness-cut off in life, I need to play game so time goes by smoothly everyday. I really don't know what to do everyday. Doctors and Wali Allah seems knowing if I will zikir or not, then doesn't it mean zikir doesn't bring me peace? I really should "Hazbunallahu Wa Nikmal Wakeel"? What will I gain from it? If they knew I would zikir or not even, why are they letting me be suffering instead of gifting me something, if they knew I zikir, didn't they see it didn't bring me anything into my life?
I just have to believe sometimes it's zikir thats comforting me because we imagine the peace will happen then will get hurt if it doesn't? Will become angry?
I know life with Anbernic RG477V will be something like holding a P.S.P, doctor said it will require upgrades and can put games in myself, and can just upgrade RG477V instead of buying new ones, so RG477V is the last console that I would use for a life time. Means there will be a place to download games for RG477V, like a modification but actually just download the games. Maybe I should just save up for RG477V instead of buying RG36S? It's tempting to have something first in life, but having 2 is bad anyway? It would be wasting money? January is really going to be like the judgement day if doctors and my family are helping me about smoking.
Why does it have to be 1 year before they start supporting me? Why they didn't count my smoking habit as important for my strength in life?
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