The money restriction since N.S days is hard, doctor saying I will spoil my game items then I will be happier if getting cash, he told my father that I think, I really hope I will be happier too, I wonder why it becomes until I'm 37 years old then my father did not give me money for so long, since N.S days period he didn't give money anymore I think, it's so long ago in life, I wonder why doctor thinks it's fine. It's really like an endurance to go through this harsh life, I feel like using my money to topup EZ-Link for February then like asking my mother for transport money too, they're really not paying for me transport too unless I ask I think.
I'm already 37 yrs old and my family let me become this way about money, I wonder what's no problem about money too, if it's about future, in the end I work is the cause of it? I really hope I'm supported with money even before I start working, this is really too much and heavy.
I wonder why other schizophrenics are easier life than me, my family are to be believed as poor by me but common sense my father bought houses at Johor and Batam but still didn't give me money, I don't know why difficulty is okay for them. Doctor should help by creating ease to my life but my difficulty remains existing in my life, it's the panic of only having $180+ maybe now. It's really crazy, can I even last until end of January? I need to be strict with cig. somehow like 1 Box = 3 Days = $130/mth I think, I really hard about cig., why aren't they supporting me, why is stopping just like that painful too? It's because of the spike maybe causing me needing coldness sometimes, it's definitely bad when the end of medicine is closer, I will feel in pain or bad health.
Such a loser kind of life, I really don't know why I am not like others that just easily work, they can think of girlfriend later like having no idea whose going to be their girlfriend, means they don't have like life goals, I would try telling my love first to secure "what's mine" first, then if money is the problem as fact, then doctor maybe did whisper "for me", maybe the complete sentence is "money is not a problem for me", means for himself but money is a problem for me. I really don't know how they see that (S) will still be having nobody by the time I haven't work yet, or on the way to start working life kind of feelings. They are confident as doctors even if it's others' life needing someone, I don't know if they can actually get (S) for me if truly have the baby-days videos it still feels like they can, but (S) didn't give me a chance by making me wait, distancing by limiting profile views too, I don't feel supported or "having (S) to support me", I just became like wanting to end the possibilities because of certain matters, like what for as a man I experience this? I did my best, then schizophrenia created me like a loser kind of life, I really did not become a successful man.
1 month is a long time to wait, to try create $100/mth even maybe it's harsh this life, February if it's for Seniors only getting money? It's bad, I imagine. I really need to finish my market c.d.c voucher too, maybe buying drinks from supermarket using this? Don't know what the strictness is for, doctors should just let me have a lighter feelings in life and advice my parents to give me money first.
They as people that have money really don't care of the pain a schizophrenic went through is bad, made to wait and wonder and suffer, like if (S) would be nicer to me maybe they would have given me money "because I want to spend my time with (S)", it's definitely deadmeat this way, to endure everyday awake, can't pass the day by sleeping, doctors really feel this is not needing supports at all is harsh too.
I don't know what the small girl said, I just don't like to feel like this, she maybe just know the difficulty and reminding me stuff as I hear her voices like playback in my memories, what's annoying is meant to be spoken? She know how to attack a schizophrenic person, to remember something bad and be thinking badly about it.
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