So hard imagining future

I've definitely reached the moments of difficult days, wonder if I can survive this part of my life, it's like a crisis, my parents or family don't talk of money at all, I feel life's hard. My attention online became wishing someone tell my family to give me money. It's weird this life that difficulty as something okay to them that I need to ask for money? I really don't know how to survive this life. Blog is the only path of telling my feelings, then I don't ask my family in WhatsApp Family Group that I have rejoined, I don't know why they just can't be normal to me and give me money knowing I'm schizophrenic and hard to work, it's not like I won't work, Popeyes is my favourite chicken, I definitely want to work at Popeyes. It's just boring because probation period is 3 hours of free work but called a cleaning-training, it's really hard it have to be this way kind of life. How can I just jump into Popeyes? I wonder such thing, but doctors like ever said will support me and give me money, I hope he remembers, it's like forgotten because I'm not messaged by doctor, it's harsh thinking of life like this, is it really 5th January doctor will really support me and give me money? The calculation to quit cig. too as I definitely need money, I wonder how hard it's going to be, it's like I'm not buying cig. anymore and just have to suffer, or just to spend on cig. because of feelings like doctor giving money, why is it like this, tomorrow is 183 days, 6 mths on medications, still no celebration money from my family too. I thought they created my common sense like that? That I will get cash?

In my suffering life, I'm still thinking of (S), I remember of hoping she just appears and help me, then if it's not because of money, it's telling my family that I need money is why the common sense is like that. I just want to feel good, I was hoping for a spiked life that's a lot of nice feelings then i've been suffering for so long, the heat from anger of small girls voice was so much when I was not on medicine, it also became difficult like believing nurse brought in small girl's voice/chance to talk during nurse's visit, I really feel like that even if on medications.

I wonder if doctors would tell my family I want to take license, would they be okay about it? The story really is 39 years old I would own a small lorry, how come it's this long waiting for answers about license? It's harsh I feel I need to do something, like rushed feelings in my heart, I'm unstable.