My creativity really comes back, the insanity like I'm in a coma with a lot of sadness like me and (S) actually on a boat with me supporting (S)'s head being behind her hugging her from behind, the coma feeling is like this, I thought I'm in a coma again when I don't smoke because life is too brutal on me. I really want to be supported as it's difficult life, the strictness should be forgotten because I've been spiked, it's too harsh to let me go through this alone and me having no friends to contact too.
I remember again like it feels so real that doctors really giving me Anbernic RG477V, and 10 Doctors caring me like their son, is $50 each, then I would have $500 in January, I feel like that. I remembered about my Aunt supporting me with $500 and 1 Carton of Cig., is it a real story or it's a dream? I feel happy remembering such thing but I'm still not sure, I hope they're more understanding like story of my Aunt and doctors, why is my family not worried at all if I don't smoke? The spike is too hot sometimes.
I remember I try to write normally now instead of too many capital letters in front of each word, to practice normal English writing back again. It's to ready for my O level to write in correct grammar in essay, in year 2027 I think. It don't feel like it's next year(2026) that I'm taking O level, my neighbour didn't remind me about it so I assume it's year 2027, doctors too.
I really have no friends I feel like searching for them but I don't know where, I ever felt of hanging out with Sadiq again during my schizophrenic days and kept going to his Nenek's house area and hangout hoping I would bump into him at shop, but I didn't. It's too boring life being alone, Sadiq and Razli like most likely to not get married and like can accompany my life again, I feel so bored like crazy.
I really think it's hard to not smoke and I bought cig. again just now hoping they would ask psychic and psychic tells my situation of like burning heat that's microscopic in my body and the earthquake that happens I really need to be supported until cig. $, I really will heed how to stop smoking for real, it's really hard the shake in my head makes me like insane like nobody cares about me and wanting me crazy. I really can't do anything about it I just need to feel colder at my head and I calmed myself down just now. I also feel like buying "True Calm" pills to support my life.
I don't know why my parents not understanding like giving me money, but I have to survive on G.S.T/Assurance Package and imagine it finishing is scary for real, I don't want to be in difficulty in my life. I wonder how to save up for Anbernic RG477V too, it's hard this life like a poor man.
I'm feeling stronger as I smoke again, and healthier because the coldness supported from the heat I'm supposed to feel inside my body, the earthquake feelings decreases too. It's maybe like a move on the tissue spike in body, the friction? Maybe. I really don't know I just want to feel good in my life journey.
It's 12 more days until my Jobclub, I spent $13 as usual for cig. and worried about money finishing and feel like saving up everything just for cig., I don't know why my parents not being sporty and understanding even if I'm schizophrenic, they really not buying me cig. at all? My life is really hard, I hope God not be too harsh on me and take me as His Anak Angkat also to understand my life needing God but he don't speak to humans, I really want to be somebody in life but the feelings only psychic understands me, it's hard this life. I wonder why God only speak to Prophets, I really don't want to be not getting answers in life. There's maybe other practices that's not painful that I can anticipate from my mother, I really hope my family becomes nicer to me.
Yesterday my father bought me Chicken Chop with Tomato Rice I'm happy like I feel he's caring his future grandchildren that's my sperm, hahaha. Funny. I hope they continue like this and I just smoke cold to remove the earthquake and hot feelings inside my body, I feel calmer and more relaxed that I hope they don't see cig. like a drug anymore.
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