Today is Monday, (S) will be going to work as usual and still able to achieve her normal life, so lucky feeling healthy, still no response from (S) if she will contact me is still unknown, I have nobody for so long in my life like why do I have to suffer like this? Life is definitely boring as I have schizophrenia it's a long sickness that's so many years, wonder how to get a perfect life like going out happy and work healthily, my life definitely nothing and I keep wondering how to get (S) if I have nothing to give.
Today I feel like going to shop to buy 1.5L and rest at Sofa as usual, I wonder if I'm going to be feeling healthier today as I feel weak. I like how Mood Support Pills actually maintained my mood to be happier and more stable, it's definitely an energy for work.
Daily I'm thinking of (S) ever since kindergarten 6 years old, then my heart like can bring my entire body down to rest imagining her. Hilton pillow really makes imagination of hugging her when I sleep and I'm happy about it.
Today I feel like eating epok2, feel like buying it at shop and still will stress of money shortage I hope will last until February at least, I'm not strong unable to work then my family is like this to me even if I have schizophrenia.
I saw MIG long sleeve costing $3 each I feel like buying then I thought of saving money too, it's so cheap and the material is nice too, it's 1 of the cheapest long sleeve I ever seen.
I really hope my parents give me like $5000 suddenly 1 day to spend around, I definitely will save and it will feel energetic to quit cig. I don't know I can't live easy without cig., my brother survived well after N.S and lucky he can afford cig. in life without worry of calculating it can become $200+ a month just for cig. If 10 months it's already $2000, I really hope I can save from cig. but the health of feeling nicer really exist from smoking. The point is it doesn't create stupidity anyway? I hope there's a nice way to settle this problem of cig.
I was really sad if thought I haven't talked to (S) before, like going to bedok reservoir forgetting she live at C.C.K and forgetting she have "Iman" at that time, I went to bedok reservoir with Bidi cig. and smoke and wait outside her house area, I really feel my life as nothing without her, I really don't know why my heart feels like this or why I can forget about her even after seeing her during B.M.C Academy days on Facebook, I lost memory I have seen her before and thought it's my first time during N.S and forgot I met her in M.R.T before, I don't know why she still would give her Facebook Name but not in touch with me. Why/How is she fine without feeling anything for me while I love her like crazy?
I commented on Pinterest on her cat Image and Instagram of about cats that have her name as poster of the picture, I still think I will not get a response from her, it's like have to be public meet-up then she will respond something. My parents really have to meet her to try get her for me but it's bad if she desire something special treatment like doctors have given her psychological support from me then still make me wait for so long.
Why is she making it difficult for me to get her knowing my story of loving and missing her been so long time ago?
On the day she tunang with "Iman" doesn't it make it that she doesn't have any feelings for me? What will my parents do to get her for me? Why is it a long time that they don't care about getting her for me?
My only attempt left is really blogging as she won't like it if I go to her workplace that I don't know at where anyway, the other is knowing she live near/close to a big playground in C.C.K, I really don't want to waste my time in life and get her.
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