Happier December

I'm on 119 Days Out of Ward On Medication and +48(I Re-Check Then It's Actually +48 not +47 Days) Total of "On Medications" If Include Inside Ward - So Total of 167 Days Already, So Just 16 More Days(2 Weeks 2 Days) I Would Be Half Year Done "On Medications" and I'm happy about it.

No one is feeling anything about me taking medications except me, they're not celebrating anything, tomorrow is a special day as I hit 120 days Outside Ward on Medications, I feel like saving instead and eating Chicken Chop with Tomato Rice Today(early celebration). I still think of marriage on my mind like why my family don't care I'm 37 years old and not married yet, isn't it actually Too Old already? They usually not care about alot of things and I wonder why too. They only focused on me taking medications and jobs as their priority when actually I feel bad how my sudden 37 years old from 20 years old memory loss, they suddenly just want me to work instead of seeing me as having disability to work. Money is the real stress of life, I wonder why they are like that. I feel like asking doctor that I want to focus on taking medications but then I worry of going to be causing myself to be warded again. I only have 6 more months after this December that it became 1 year of taking medications and I would recover from Schizophrenia by 38 years old. It's finally the end soon, I'm so angry and unstable how they got me thinking of work and small girl copied my mother's statement, then I keep hearing it over and over again. Don't know why memories have to be this way - listening like from a recording. It's just too noisy, I want to be more stable in life.

I remember at that time I ate Chicken Chop with Tomato Rice then suddenly like memory loss I have done such thing, it's weird I really take my medications then it still feels like "Im in the other world". I remember in I.M.H I was thinking of (S) that I keep hearing doctor's voice that I would marry (S) and have 6 children with her, I would become Psychiatrist/Psychologist/Psychic too, making me happy and dreamy about my future. Our 6 children will be Psychics says Doctor. I will make them hacker by teaching them how to hack. I'm so happy hearing such statement and imagining (S) watching me at Camera and knowing I am hearing such thing, I really wanted to marry (S) since baby days before I can even walk or crawl yet, I truly feel this way and wanting Lie Detector to prove my feelings. I don't know why doctors can't have a relieving plan for me like visiting (S) at work and eating together during her Lunch Break, I really want to spend time with (S).

My heart truly needs relief from missing (S) so much, it's like a nuclear explosive in my heart it keeps growing(of missing her) then it explode into weakening my body. Why is missing someone feeling like this especially when in the past I was schizophrenic and didn't take medications? I truly want a life with her but she didn't feel the same way about me? I remember doctor said 17 November 2025 she will say by her lips that she love me(berbual sendiri), I really hope it's true, but then why she haven't contacted me yet?