Heavy waiting

Like feeling different today as "Puasa" from cig. started, I really hope cold water is enough to handle the spikes, I really think doctor ever said this coming Ramadan I will puasa for full month, I think he said it last year. It's really weird I hope he's right, then if my size decreases my shoes that I bought? It feels like another doctor ever said that I will still wear this canvas shoes that I bought to school next year, I'm really happy it's becoming like that, means my height and weight won't really change I just need to exercise and change the shape of my body. I really look fat tummy due to drinking a lot of cold water.

I really hope my memories of doctors are right, but why I only remember bits by bits not a lot so the sudden happiness happens? What about memories about me actually having a master degree in computer stuff because of hacking skills? I really hope I'm a nicer profile because at this age, O level to rush for and people don't understand my situation of schizophrenia, then I feel like a funny joke too, I really just want to become a successful profile.

Today the entire day like this? It's like remembering at I.M.H, but here is a nicer have sofa it's much comfortable and the freedom makes feel like lightness, I really hope I can sleep through the days again, I know I must stop smoking then such thing can happen, I really hope someone support me until cig. too, life is too challenging for me, I will attempt to quit smoking again for now.

8 days until January, it's really close, +5 days then my Jobclub, I really hope it's only awhile then I get a job at Popeyes I really don't want to do cleaning a lot at all, it's definitely hard thing to do? I remember also doctor saying I will wear the canvas shoes to work at Popeyes? I hope doctor is right, I know it's the end somewhere next year. The imagination of my family will become nice to me is really hoped for by my heart, I truly wish they will become nicer to me, it's hard 17 years gone just like without communication then they being harsh if create stress to me are not nice.

Should I cycle around I wonder like this, when is the days I will cycle a lot at night? My left arm definitely hurts so it's definitely not soon, I wonder what job I would be doing by that time, it's like I actually won't work at Popeyes at all because of this because doctor said "a lot of times(with hoodie or jacket)". So what would I be doing if not work at Popeyes? Is it somewhere in January a Soldier Job would appear and I became a Soldier already? Why will it take so long to get a job? Will I become to work as Dishwasher because O.T claimed it's easy to get? I wonder why they secret my job away from me.

I remember from my neighbour is: I "would be learning Iqra and working as a Soldier" then I plan to learn Iqra in January, so maybe Soldier Job will hopefully appear before December ends? I wonder how it's going to be like, why doctors leaving me clueless and only "if I work" kind of answers? Will I have to ask if I can become a hacker yet? What's the real answer about my life?