"Mood Support Pills" didn't create me to play games a lot like I hoped for, I just need a way to past time and end the day everyday. I feel so bored daily then I will feel bad if (S) works a lot(Today's Tuesday) and if plan to give me money, I wonder why I feel she's the most understanding other than doctors about my condition and situation of life. I feel bad I love her not because for her money at all, it sucks being a schizophrenic, then I have to endure until Jobclub starts in January, then endure entire month for allowances in February onwards, but hopefully I get a job instead.
I really remembered back my life of boredom then I used to blog at bottles-uncapped.com until I met (A), then she fell in love with me and we became lovers, I met her at friendster because she's a cute girl. I used to chat with her on MSN and I just added her anyway to chat with her at that time, then we became a smooth communication and meet up. I really was not so confident but I'm happy she fell in love with me. It's too bad small girl had split us up into "no feelings", it's just bad it's been 17 years already. I remembered I split with (W) because small girl saying something about N level and my confidence crushed as I thought (W) was the one that said such thing to me, it's sad how it's like this I have nobody in the end, and it's been 20 years long.
I remember in both relationship I was ever in IMH Ward 35A, then it's odd how I thought I was only the 2nd time on my last time there, it's the most happiest ward as can use Android that I didn't use. I wonder why doctors and nurses didn't ask me "why didn't I bring my android in", and I live life without a phone for 1.5mths when I'm inside, my mind became thinking like: how are they more stable than me and can bring in phone and remember life? Then I remembered they actually lost their memories too of ever being inside.
My memories haven't came back but I keep thinking of money that my family have ever promised me on the 6th month if it's real or a dream, I just have to wait I guess. I remember my mother saying when I'm 38 years old my father want to buy me a house at Woodlands Verge I think, I'm really happy as they will actually give me so much - an asset, when actually at this age I should've been able to work and afford a house myself I was like disabled and can't work. I really have 8 more days to finish December and think and focus on jobs, I really hope I become a better man, it's daily life like this to think what to do everyday so time passes until the next day.
I really hope every good news are true and I become a luckier man in future. It's hard thinking how I can survive, if $18/day as it's $6/HR for 3 hours, 2 weekly, a cig. costs $13(I finish this 2 days) and $13.90(I finish this 3 days), it's still hard for me to survive in life. I really have to ask my mother for EZ-Link money, but I hope I don't have to, it's hard they making me survive without giving me even transport money, they don't understand the coldness I need for the micro earthquake in my body to not happen, or it's just the needs for benztropine? I really have finished my cig. this time and I don't know if I can last long, I bought Green Tea Peppermint for cold temperature as it's peppermint, and Green Tea to support the less crave for cig. I hope I'm successful this month at least for 10 days, then 20 days, hopefully February. I really feel like I won't be successful and hope doctors support me with cig. and requesting me to decrease to help me quit cig. instead of just making me feels punished.
It's already 10.05AM I imagine (S) at work while I'm blogging at home, I really pity her how she have been working for 10 years+ I just hope I can become a rich man and bring her out to alot of rest from working life. She's amazing and like others they really remind me that their life is not as painful as I thought because I remembered "Suntricity" as a public pain thing like a phenomena of haze, that everywhere everyone feels a unique hotness, the Climate Voucher promoted me to believe I am right too. But why doctor ever said it will become a Science Subject? Maybe I'm still right somehow and (S) is supported by psychiatrist to decrease the pain that can be felt is why she can work for 10+ years long.
I feel writing of (S) won't work of getting her, I need to be living life like talking about death, if death separates us? What if I die while she is busy working, won't it waste life experience then if I could've been with her so long ago then just because she's stubborn and tunang with monkeyface instead? Our chemistry since baby days are not remembered or it's a dream then? Why like I knew her since baby days on phone speaker? It's like I ever talked to her when I was a baby, baby talks. I really hope she remembers something like this too, it's really special memory, maybe doctors been right she will get schizophrenia so she experienced memory loss and don't remember me her baby friend.
I'm thinking how to get my friends again, I search on Facebook can't find everyone, or maybe they just don't reply me, it's weird we're so old and I'm the only one like this still like bugging for friends to go hang out with me. At younger age, $220 is really a lot, I spend 60 cents or less than $1 for a Teh Katai and we can hangout for hours at coffee shop. I wonder how to survive when cig. pricing have reached more than $10 per box, it's really hard, the cheapest is only $13 and I finish it in 2 days only. Adding 90 cent would extend the days into 3 days as it's a different brand cig. I'm thinking how to search for friends to hang out, they maybe really work every week day, I remember my friend Din already tunang the last time I hangout with him, he already live his own life and having money to tunang means he's actually a nicer life than me. We both were always having no money in the past and always hangout together. Life is different now, he's got his own life(his wife maybe now) or maybe have own children already. I remember doctor or Wali Allah said he will 1 day become Wali Allah and help me something in life as became a Wali Allah, I wonder when, he should be 40 years old now.
Sadiq and Razli been missing from my life a long time too - I knew Razli first in woodlands through I.r.c, then knows both Sadiq and Din through him, it's his network of friends, then we became hangout buddies, I was 15 years old at that time, now I'm 37, so it's like 22 years ago. It's really long time ago. I got to know (W) on i.r.c at 17 years old or maybe younger but I kept losing my memory, then discovered she's a girl(it's because of her nick: S|ngapork) and we exchange pictures then fall in love 1 day after many times of smooth communication with each other.
It's just too bad life have to be like this, at 17 years old August I think I lost her when I was warded, I really think small girl got lucky she's too small. I have no idea why she enjoy such things in life and she really don't remember? It's maybe aggressive schizophrenia I would call it, because she forgot after each attack, it's bad. Then I saw (S) at fence of Innova J.C, when I was going to IMH to take my medications, I truly fall in love with her many times and of all times and places, she still don't feel like I'm her soulmate until now maybe. I really just have to keep praying to Allah to get her. She treat me like a nobody for real?
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