Today is Tuesday 23 Dec 25, Day 131 outside ward on medications, and +48 = Day 179 on medications, just 4 more days then I'm half year done and stable continuously on medications. I really dream a lot yesterday like playing games counter-strike I headshot alot, then I play baseball and home run alot. I don't know why such dream, the wood to knock the ball went missing and I use a bended metal to knock ball and I still got home run. I wonder what the dream means. Doctor have ever promised me to give me a dream definition book but he like forgot about it, I wonder why it's 6 mths long, in fact it's been since last year I think the promise, maybe the book is not ready yet or I have more dreams to go through first?
I'm still happy with my number 80244202 and Simba Line: 54.17MB/400GB, it's just so fun. I did not get lucky of people contacting me so I tried to create my writings long by writing all these.
I remember I asked my family of walking around at shopping malls but the outcome is my first sister talk of solat, I really want to walk around at shopping malls to see how the world is like now, it's been 17 years I've been at home mostly and only causeway point, I really need to live my life more and explore the world too.
I feel like the happiness I have is enough but just I can't smoke to live my life with more nice food, I have 2 cigs. left and it feels like I shouldn't stop at all because just now when I drank cold water, the pain removes from my body and I feel healthier and calmer, there's a special type of heat in the middle of my brain, I don't know why it's like that, cold water eases means smoking cold will ease too. It's just hard I have to live like this.
I feel like I'm controlled from writing to (S) that I love her that it can become a daily spam of "I love yous" to her message, I really like spam her Facebook message that she maybe no longer login, I don't know why schizophrenia makes me thought she understands everything about me. I really feel like we communicated with each other since baby and I want her to remember too, maybe her eyes was still closed at that time then she don't know me at all. I really hope psychic tells her stuff as last try, it's like a special baby friend moment.
My memory is weird if it didn't happen why it's in my memory, is it a dream too?
Anyway today my left arm still in pain and I know I can make it for Jobclub due to it being doctor's estimation I think, really bought a Mario Logo and R Logo T-Shirt to be doing the cleaning training, I really plan just a cheap wear to do it, the shoes however will be nice and I hope I won't dirty it. It's maybe continuously the same Mario and R Logo every week next month. I just like an oversize tee as it's half arm's length.
I hope I will walk less today and be able to feel healthier for tomorrow, I really feel like I still need lorazepam because I wake up in middle of the night, or it's because of the spike then that is important medicine to me, my mother holds the medicine so it's hard to get myself.
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