I don't know why it became so many years, like I didn't take medications for so long, and I really want to recover but doctors knew too that I'm recovering so late in my life. I still don't know if I really can wait for so long, January is starting soon, my entire month in Jobclub thats free working but actually a training, "probation" makes it sounds like a crime, I wonder why I still feel unhealthy suddenly sometimes, I really can't do anything about it, it's weird the earthquake feeling in my body, it's really maybe the spike moving around in a white form of liquid like a tissue, it's maybe like that in my imagination, that the earthquake from the moving spike that became like a tissue.
I wonder why it's this long, it's still morning 10A.M and I feel like spending on prata cheese egg again, I really feel bored and worry of finishing my money, I remember I need to be having enough EZ-Link for February too then I'm fine, suffering about money is bad. My brother doesn't give me money this month sadly.
It's surprising how viewer quantity became 16 early morning post of me in the lift. I really need to post more images. I check on cashbook that I have $270+ left but my bank is $258.66 hahaha, funny maybe it includes what's in my wallet around $10+, I imagine -$50 for EZ-Link for January and February then I have $200 to last until end of January? I really can't make it this life, I definitely feel finished, I'm going to suffer - $200 not going to give me any life. Maybe I topup $30 EZ-Link? I really need to survive until February the start of earning money, why can't it be January though? Why Popeyes doesn't hire people yet? Then my RG477V is still long way to go, if not March, it's maybe April next year?! Wow so long to feel the fun in life but I remember in my memory like doctor is the one that's buying me RG477V, is he real because he treats me like his son or it's just some kind of dream I have that doctor gifting me an RG477V? Wow this is going to be a wait instead to see for myself what's going to happen.
I really dislike how people become unhappy in the way I spend, what they feel is bad then my temperature inside my body rises I still need a cold cig., I really can't do anything my body is like this, it's still like a treatment too and stability creation, why people just have a reason to not give me money, I really don't feel like smoking been real too, I want to quit everytime I puff, then if taking it away who can make me stable from the heat as I need coldness? The rising temperature of heart from tellings of Solat and the small girl's voice, I really need the cold cig. too, it's just too bad my body been spiked to feel hot I think, the person spiked multiple times yearly, why is he not caught anyway? It's like a high quantity as I only took 4 puffs of cig., then I feel the high of the spike, why my luck is like this, I truly want to recover this year but my luck is like this.
It's harsh how my mother being strict by not giving me money despite me schizophrenia, even a hard life she let me live like eating at home, prata cheese telur is $3 already worries me, it's harsh kind of living life. I really need to do something like quit smoking as the only way, then my body still feels hot to need a lot of coldness I will have to drink a lot of water then? I definitely just spending my money on prata cheese telur today, I can't take it. Hahaha. Had to laugh to feel better I think, I don't know why I kept being pushed into a seriously bad feeling, nobody wants me loss of pleasure in life, maybe it's anhedonia causing me the wish for cig., I really will think something 1 day. I hope (S) contact me like heal me up by meeting me, her presence really makes me feel healthy, but she didn't contact me why I even dream of meeting her when she also tunang with monkeyface at that time? I really have nobody even at 37 years old?
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