Memories of Schizophrenia

I can't know well if it's all the small girl, it's like it's her about the posting of factory and business videos, like the only thing I don't feel pain about is posting such thing, then I realized it's only been 3 days last year that I suddenly lost memory, then I thought Fish & Chick is mine(as owner), I wonder why it's like that.

During schizophrenia we believe the voices we hear? Even if a person talking we thought are the voices speaking to us and we thought it's like "how Allah exist" that when we get correct information and it's true there's another entity or soul(like an invisible) telling us things, we thought it's an information of a way to live our life. Does all schizophrenics feel this way?

It's weird how small girl got to know answers first maybe from a threat of "if not will speak nonsense" to get information from Psychic or Wali Allah about the future, then she change it like we listening to a Math Formula wrongly, it's dangerous kind of Mind-Stuck. I think she believe herself as Psychic when actually it's the Pain that causes to do something.

Like waking up from sleep "unless do something", I thought it's voices then it's actually the small girl that got me to Johor, sad how it happened smoothly and I kept losing memory at that time.

I am a bit of Stress about expenditures, I feel like spending on Prata Cheese but 2 pieces are already $5, I imagine $5 if save up 2 times it's already $10, life is hard if live on G.S.T/Assurance Package, I really need to get a job. I really worry how my health sometimes "strong" sometimes "weak" daily, like why I can't work, in the past I can really just hangout outside for hours even without money, needing only less than $1 for a Teh Katai(Teh Susu) to spend time for hours at Coffee Shop, I lost the strength of health?

I really lost friends in my life, it's something that will never happen again. I remember my hangout friends like "Din and Sadiq" will become Wali Allah 1 Day as Information from Wali Allah, means I assume "Razli" will also become Wali Allah, I then wonder why my father so old but not a Wali Allah, why he don't want to become a Wali Allah as his effort in life?

So when they become Wali Allah they maybe will suddenly know my difficulties and hangout with me? Will they suddenly remember me again? I'm sad how my connections of friends is only so few and it's been 17 Years I've been nothing in life.

I re-planned to wait for Jobclub that it will hopefully give me back my life again, like earning and having money everytime, others are lucky to have support in life, then (S) is lucky to have me for her psychological support from my doctors that wanted me to be their Son, she's lucky have someone caring as me and even luckier because she will get Schizophrenia and already cared of since young days.

I don't understand what Schizophrenia and Catatonia, but when Psychic is helping, the pain really goes away, when I requested to help (S), the pain really comes back, why a Mental Sickness have Physical Pain? It's the Catatonia that jerk my fingers sometimes? There's something moving me that's the cause of Pain? It's makes me imagine during my Schizophrenic Days I really thought I ate A Lizard and It's Inside my Body Living from what I eat daily, I really wanted to Starve myself "to kill it", that don't exist. I remember I go to nearby Office at Woodlands to say "have lizard inside my body" then that's all nothing happened, I guess they assume I have Schizophrenia or just A Little Crazy? I just went home after that.

I really hope it's not the small girl's doing everytime because she thinks she's psychic moving my body maybe, just sad how it have to be like this.

Yesterday I look at my Complete Life of Having Simba Line and the happiness rises again in my heart, I really will use this number my entire lifetime. I don't know how doctors see my future but they seem right, maybe they have told me things but I forgot about it, then I only wish they tell me again, they really have a job and not really talking to me everytime. I didn't get respond from Sticker Job, maybe because doctor called the agent and getting me job at Popeyes? I really want to earn and live normally, life's hard to wait for others to help me. I remembered about the quote "No one is Coming, Save Yourself", I am thinking what to do about it. Should I just spend on buying lots of Portable Ashtray and Resell them at $4 each? At Shopee looks expensive it's $6+ for the kind I want to sell at $4. I really want to make money, then I don't have friends to keep in touch with. Even my Facebook have 0 friends. I wonder how to live my life like this.

I am thinking what business should I do, will my neighbours have any easier way of earning money? Will any of them decided to create a business then I have a job? I think life is not really that easy at all. I can't wait for someone to make a business. My parents themselves didn't make a business, then I wonder why they just let me live on like this, my life is like useless.

Every morning I wake up hoping for a smooth day, I don't know why Catatonia can suddenly make me healthy and happy and sometimes just painful. I really hope for the "Mood Support Pills" really fast. I feel like spending 1 year supply of it then save up money, to have at least yearly of it, every G.S.T/Assurance Package. My mother won't be just letting me live my life with it but will question me why I still buy those pills I think?

Doctor ever said he don't care as long as I take my medicine, I think it's weird if I feel dull most of the time and really require a Positive Mood Creation Pill. It makes like think of S*x all the time because the Pill is called as "Mood", but it's really something else, I read will get a Good Sleep if eat it. I definitely need it.