This is good as have both "Valerian Root" and "St. John's Wort", the first one added calmness to me when I did not take medications last year, I feel I saved money buying it but my schizophrenia still exist. I was in delusion for so long, maybe from the small girl's talks that's so long without my knowledge, I remember she was caught by her mother talking behind wall but then luckily she's gone university. Peace didn't happen easily as I still hear her voices in low volume. I don't know why schizophrenia memories are like this, I remember like listening to her talking all over again. Maybe in the past people talk softly so I don't really "hear it", means she was actually shouting abit I think.
I really dislike writing about her but my life of blogging have to be this way, if not I wouldn't have ever named my blog as "bottles-uncapped" as I "bottle up my feelings", I plan to register the domain again at 38 or 39 years old, as doctor ever said this during my secondary school I will register it again, means he actually knew I would split with (A) and (W) and somehow we will connect again. I actually think the smallgirl have lessen my chances with (S) and I have less luck or no luck to get her, I don't know why I haven't give up, maybe I keep hearing the small girl's voice keep reminding of (S), sadly she knows her name to ruin my feelings(anhedonia) kind of statements already happened.
If I don't get (S) is definitely a pleasure for her as she have broken my relationship with (W) and (A) without any guilt, my life ruined just like that easily it became empty for more than 15 years. I don't know what makes her so heartless.
I really have nobody for so long, and I'm 37 years old blogging - I'm already so old and I have to express my feelings somewhere.
My mother bought a Fardhu Ain Book that it feels like the 2nd time of me having it, I wonder why I feel this way. At first I was happy to wish to read it, then I flip the pages today I totally have no mood to read them. If daily I don't work, I walk around in living room for so long until my legs become in pain, my vision became a lot weirdness, I don't know why I just hope I get a job soon, instead of job-training. Doctors didn't contact me and I don't know their numbers, if not I would've asked about (S) but they disallowed me to know my Marriage Date, sad but it have to be like that, I don't know why too.
I remember in M.R.T (S) would consider me wasting my EZ-Link if I keep looking for her(I really don't know which O.C.B.C she works at) and won't like it if I do that, but it's like the small girl's voice exist, I became confused about (S) and "don't know my soulmate"(it became anger, I feel I know my soulmate).
Why she's growing old until 36 years old this year, but still not thinking about marriage yet and okay about it? I'm sad how I have schizophrenia then I can't achieve well in education because I actually think I would meet her again in future school like A-Level then she actually ever school just near me at Innova Junior College, I was close but didn't get to meet her, sad how I don't recognize her if I've ever seen her before, but the point is I don't want my heart to feel this way too, became an old man that blogs and keep writing my feelings then she just kept ignoring me for "I don't know what reason", I kept trying to be positive that the only reason is she's helping me not become a mastermind, then it's still like a delusion as she never talk to me unless doctor is around, I don't know why my luck have to be so many years of emptiness feelings.
I have entire December to wait for Jobclub then hopefully I start something in January, I just want an end to this bad feelings. I feel I have no life but then no one cares about it, just goaling that I take medications.
I realized I have survived from 15 August until Now, Completing September, October, November without any communication with friends, I have survived life without friends for so long but recovery moment is like more energy to do something then either feel bad from Injection or weak somehow. I only communicated Whatsapp with my family since August. I need to find something to do daily, a small person(a girl/woman/lady) can work delivery Ninja Van but I'm suffering like I don't work anything?
O.T Ask me to try for fast food and it's only McDonald I can think about, then I remembered (S) and just heed her wish that I just follow O.T.
My daily life like a repeat but my family didn't imagine I will be bored entire day? I really have no life.
My writings end up in thinking if anyone actually cares as the reader, it really feels like refreshes when I only have 7 viewer counts 1 time, but what is it gonna be like if my parents don't read me? They expect me to feel boiled up thinking about money?
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