Sleep Recovery?

I've been able to sleep again after taking the "Mood Support Pills", I feel great and stronger but just feeling like weak. The spike maybe haven't gone yet from my body, it's so long.

Today I imagine (S) as have accepted my Relationship Request in the Love Letter I've given her long time ago, funny but it's just a wish, she didn't answer at that time because have "Iman". It's sad how it have to be this way, and I have nobody for so long too, 2 break-ups successfully done by the small girl, sad suddenly life understanding hatred to the person I was in relationship with, because of what the small girl did.

I don't see a recovery can happen as none of them proven have understood my situation and condition, I hope it's not Schizophrenia that they will go through that will make them understand me, I hope there's an explanation to why they didn't hold on for so long. Left alone into a meaningless life.

Now only Jobclub to be thinking about, believing doctors I will be healthy by the time Jobclub calls me again, I hope I have enough money to complete their Training(EZ Link), my difficulty is until like that.

I really don't know how to get (S) and she didn't comfort me of not worrying about it, means I think she don't care I believe that she's my soulmate, it's sad like I've dreamt of her when I was a baby, then when I can walk I wanted her, when in Kindergarten I saw her, my mind believing something like this then I wish for a Lie Detector to get her easily. Will Police give a Lie Detector to something like this? Sad how it didn't turn out like me getting her - I was shortage of money too at that time, my problem in life is meant to happen like my parents didn't support me with money, sadly I have to live my schizophrenia and be independent at the same time. Life became waiting for money if I don't have G.S.T/Assurance Package I'm really dead and useless.

I'm thinking of how to earn money fast when my body sometimes don't let me work, I feel unhealthy at times like body movement happens like a sudden auto-jerk. I don't know why but I think it's called Catatonia, body disallowed to move in a way we wish for. Macam orang cacat or what?

I can't plan anything for (S) in my life except thinking of my medications daily. I hope (S) thinks about me and try to contact me 1 day, these many years been too long and she looks like can actually live without me. The thinking of shes my soulmate is not cared of by her at all when the day she got engaged to "Iman". Sadly she did that and I have to feel bad in my life. Engage tu Tunang kan? Weird right then I feel I've actually lost her, my life became feeling hot of missing her and angry, I really feel loss of what is my future with her in my life wish still.

Until now I try by blogging, but she didn't contact me yet still, I've blogged over 200 posts of my life activity but she don't seem interested in me, why is it like that? I have to be sick then small girl maybe have interfered about (S), ruining my chances in life but luckily she's already attached is weird reason, means small girl didn't get to "bully" me when I actually can win her I gave her chances instead. Bad luck life happens for so long.

I saw my neighbour looking healthy even if have schizophrenia, I hope I can work like them too(I forgot if my next door neighbour work or not).

I imagine myself as a nurse in I.M.H then jadi macam budak kental but it's a good job, the point is health anyway, but it's just imaginations. Doctors didn't update me about (S) for so long I wonder why they like want me to believe (S) actually don't care about me and just living her life. Means what I do out of love is like meaningless to her? I thought I knew my soulmate? I thought everyone knew their own soulmate? My thinking of Soulmate is "it exist since baby days", then things like "marriage" ruin my dictionary, then (S) when "Tunang" kinda wakes me up into Reality. I really wait for her so long still and angry at small girl if she actually have ruined my life again(3rd time), the chances becomes lesser when she tried stuff, sadly.

Today is the 118th Day Outside Ward On Medications, and Total of 165 Days On Medications, I Really Hope Have Nice Memories That Will Make Me Happier in Life.

It's So Many Years Without (S), (A), (W), When they Actually Will Heal Me During my Pain(They just being around I will feel less pain in my body), I Wonder Why It's Like I Have So Many Girls Anyway, I'm So Long Single Created By Small Girl.

Time passes like I don't mean anything to them, I don't even know how to search for them, if (S) I only imagine O.C.B.C Building somewhere in Singapore, but how to know her break time etc. doctors knows but won't tell me, I have to Live In Survival.