I remembered I wanted to walk to her when I can walk, at baby age when I can only crawl I still wanted her, then in kindergarten I saw her for my first time and fall in love. Why is my memory like this, I knew her since baby? Why did she tunang with "Iman" at that time she didn't care about my feelings?
Doctors gave me no clue of how I can get (S) just have to wait for them or my family to take actions, I really desire her to be my wife since long time ago, since baby days? And does she believe me at all?
It feels like I ever met her at fences of Innova Junior College bus stop, then she told me she's attached then I lost memory and continued my way to I.M.H, I really drop awhile to meet her and she did not say a reject statement just her situation as "attached", why multiple times of hard-to-meet places but we met then she didn't still don't see me as her soulmate? Isn't it a difficult place to see each other or remember each other since kindergarten? Why she is being difficult to get?
Today I ate chilli tuna with rice, I decided to eat 2 Mood Support Pills instead of 1, following the way it should be, to try to feel healthier and happier, maybe I will still finish it in 1.5mths in the end if it truly requires 2 pills.
I'm at day 124th of eating medication outside ward and +48 days = 172 days on medications, just 11 days left that I'm half year done, I'm definitely wanting my recovery and I have finished my cig. I really try to not smoke but I think (S) smokes too? I should be fine then, like I can really get her is my imagination even if as a smoker.
What makes (W) and (A) ignore me though, they knew it's schizophrenia but also playing hard to get? Is it because I'm suddenly difficult in life like having no money to go out, but why are my parents like that anyway, I'm unable to save up to go out and have own plans? I'm 37 years old already and it's still difficult on purpose, I really hard to live like this. The imagination of working at Popeyes makes me think life is really on the way for me.
I saw MahaCrimeOS on Microsoft YouTube, doctor ever spoke to me about this and it really appeared as a new cyber security method of Microsoft, that I would maybe get a job at (In India) as a Hacker. I am finally working with Microsoft? I've wanted to work at Microsoft since kids days, then wanting to be a hacker too since the movie "Hacker" appeared - it's a love story, then I successfully managed to hack for entire day 1 time until doctor stopped me, why am I late in earning for myself in life? Will (S) just be with me first I just want to feel secure?
(W) and (A) left me without a problem even if small girl's doing, it is bad if it carries on, then to assume as it's really over and small girl successful, I really have no way to recover from thinking of them anymore? It's 17 years long I kept thinking the small girl is true, without remembering the small girl, but the story in my mind. I felt loss of pleasure thinking of them, then now I remember it's small girl's doing, I still can't get them back into my life? Why (S) letting this be to happen to me? Then why did she tunang at that time?
Wow anyway my left injection arm became in pain again and it's hard to move, all because I exercise yesterday, a lot of times then I didn't know it would bring back the pain.
Is life really happening like this I feel it's like a dream, my vision like darkness and I feel dreamy that the reality of life is really like this, it's too much like a nightmare that happens to me - being left alone for 17 years and it happened 2 times, first time is 20 years ago then 3 years I found another girl (A). I really have no way of recovering just taking medicine and hopefully forgot or loss the small girl's mouth(spoken statement) from my memories or hearing senses, it's weird it had to be like a recording and realistic(made by the small girl)?
I really can't get a recovery from the anhedonia or catatonia(my arms, stomach jerks suddenly), I really feel weak man not being supported in life but doctors knew it first and let it be.
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