29 Dec I'm going to request for no-injection type of medicine and to try focus on medication first as the energy made me feel I can't work as everytime injection it's painful for some days.
I've been thinking of "Fixation of Rezeki is by Allah", means my mother telling me to work only will create anger to me and heart burn but why doctor claim it create lesser heat to feel? I really can't do anything but to believe the Statement like if I don't effort for a job I will still get a job, then what heat is it causing me to be feeling so hot sometimes in my heart? The heat of patience? Why is it like that?
Firstly if All Rezeki by Allah why do we feel we have to find a job? Why do we look for a job? This kind of pain is believable that it's 1 month long of arm pain. The injection created my left arm like immobilized and weak. Secondly Then if my mother believe, why she ask me to find a job? It's common sense that they dislike me answering it as common sense to find money when feeling healthier?
I am stress having to anticipate this in my mind, then the question appear in my mind sometimes causing me angry but sometimes it's like the small girl's voice reminding me I can't work then why they are giving heart heat to me?
Nobody chose to be nicer to me but practice such heating heart statements to me and it's being anticipated daily or heard by memories again and again as the small girl wanted me in heart ache at that time. She just copy what my mother would say I think that she knows it as painful. I really can't do anything my life is like this, have to know the small girl in my life time because my mother used to care her since baby days.
She just turn out to be a bully(of toddlers) then fighting back to try scare me like crazy with a lot of statements like calling me Dajjal, Japanese, Egyptian. I really remembered it again that she just talk all that.
I also remember she pretending as my ex's voice of having s*x to create anhedonia to me, how a small girl know about s*x? Means my future girlfriend at that time, my ex (A), haven't met me yet but doctor told me the name of what I would be calling (A) then she(small girl) picked the same nickname and pretend of s*x occurrence between (A) and my brother by creating sounds.
She really got my life for 17 years into suffering and a lot of life loss like weakened from being able to work? Paranoid from being called as a "sacrifice of Islam" to become Dajjal? Why did she have such ideas and speak it without feeling bad at all?
I remember story of the Jew that chat with me, she will become Islamic Psychologist then 1 day commit suicide as will eat Dormicum(a sleeping pill) and think Allah making her sleep and float, something like this the story of Psychic. When she's an Islamic Psychologist she's a nice person to all Muslims, means she will be converting to Islam 1 day I think. It's because statement like "Allah yang bangunkan Dan tidurkan"(Allah is the one that wake us and sleep us), then she forgot it was Dormicum that made her Sleepy I think? I think Psychic will create anti-Suicide actions on her since long time ago, or what will make the Landing Safety Bag Fail?
I made the small girl feel like someone else knows she's bullying toddler and P.A.P will know about it then I think it made her idea of insane statements. Nobody knows why "Jews know everything" and not "Psychic knows everything" in Islam's teachings. Jews are not Psychic if not they won't Schizophrenia? It was moment of Schizophrenia chat that I found someone having the same Sickness as me and I plan to know ways to recover as a shortcut then she(small girl) was reading using Binoculars Making me imagine "Love Story with Jew" kind of profile and small girl will ruin my life with her talks. She really ruined my life in a different way, I became Alone in life for 17 Years without Love Story as my future from her mouth.
I don't know why doctors cant force a recovery to happen to me but I experience it even if still can hear her voices during my medication moments.
I made the Jew create statement of "telling" me information of what information I have told her, to create the small girl believe like Israelist Government is Knowing It and Telling P.A.P She Likes To Bully Toddler. Means she thought "Jews knows everything" also and Statement of Psychic for me was made like Jew Tells Me Things, means I didn't know how to Make her Stop Bullying then Scare Her in a Way that Someone Else Knows Too.
Don't know my luck in life, that Jew Was a Gamer in Game of Dofus and We Play Games With Many Different Countries including Russian, South Korean, American, etc. just my luck I have small girl was in binocular to create misunderstanding about my Chat.
Dofus is an addictive game I can spend hours on it.
Anyway today is 111 Days Outside Ward In Medication and It's 158 Days On Medication, I Truly Want to Hit 180 Nicely or 183 So It's Half Year Done. I know I will recover at 38 years old, as I believe doctors, then I wonder about panic and pain from injection, cant doctors comfort me more like contacting me, this is so hard life, I truly not given a shortcut because of the weird heat in heart that doctor said I will feel less hot than I should when my mother or Cik Norma talk about cigarette and work. I don't know why it's like that. It's maybe Anhedonia create the Requirement to be having Patience thus feeling hot in my heart. It's bad. The sadness from feeling hot really promote schizophrenia to occur to me. Catatonia then stuck my body and worried about Working too. Feeling unable to work then demanded to work, it's bad heat-up.
My Data usage before the next expiry on 15 December, is only 128MB/400GB, I really need to live my life more and spend my Datas outside somehow, just feeling like no life like this, the panic still exist in my heart for so long, I shouldn't have applied for jobclub because of the panic I can feel. *Sigh*
Then thinking of (S) again, I wonder why she's just being far away from my life other than Me "can become a Mastermind" definitely a negotiation can happen and how psychic claim as that "because it will happen"? Then cant there be a help for me instead? The care is weird it's so far away and "having to split up" disallowed to be in relationship or going out together, story of "baby will become sick" still none of us(Me and [S]) planned to have babies before marriage too, it's weird answer of Psychic to be like this kind of life.
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