I bought Mayonnaise Chicken Cutlet at Khun Thai and filled myself to happiness, I bought Ice Lemon Tea and it feels so nice, it's been a long time since I tasted a real one usually it's "less sugar" nowadays, finally this one is back. It used to be my favourite other than Milo.
I remember that doctor or neighbour will remind me when it's time to take O Level, as my neighbour maybe taking O Level too, we're the same age and I think they're the ones that know about Soldier Job and waiting the same as me. It looks like Soldier Job is year 2026 or 2027, still long way to go. Now is already 17 December and still no updates about Soldier Job. Doctors don't really talk to me much this year, they are just being a doctor instead of their friendliness to help me get (S) I remember at Innova Junior College's Fence. (S) is so beautiful I wonder why she's not married yet, I feel like lying to my mother that (S) have a baby and make her regret for wasting time, even if I memorize Asma-ul-Husna, my mother didn't help me get (S), she should've make it felt heavenly and I should be rewarded like a Flat Screen Television in my room even, I really want to attach a handheld game device to play on Television. I really miss 17 years of my life, P.S.P was the thing of my life it's my favourite gadget in my life that I customize it myself into designs of my liking. Now only have popular Anbernic to buy 1 day. It's really worth it if I spent money for my nephews or niece to feel life I remembered, as I worry my 1st sister if become like my mother, my nephews will definitely suffer, so I told my sister to remember gaming life for my nephews.
I'm still surprised how doctor ever said I'm already the best uncle in the world in ranking of humans, there's billions of people worldwide then I am the best uncle in the world in ranking of psychics, I'm so glad I'm a good thinker for my niece and nephews. I don't know if I really think for my niece a lot but I know she have a boyfriend that she will marry in future that's not so soon because I haven't have babies yet, they somehow will stay together says doctor in the past and marriage becomes longer only because of me and schizophrenia delaying their marriage. She definitely look independent and different than I remember her only at 3 years old, while when she grow up I don't feel the happiness due to anhedonia I think, I love babies a lot and it's odd I don't mind my 1st sister don't let me touch my nephews when they're babies because I have schizophrenia, then anhedonia makes me have no feelings of pleasure, but happy I have them. I remember I thought my 1st sister wanted to kill her baby during my schizophrenic days, then I caught her baby's leg upside down when her baby was falling down from seat, means I thought my sister plotted for her baby to fall as I hear voices saying it like that, the voices are like intel-tones making it believable. I really thought I'm a sacrifice of Islam as nobody cares about me, that I'm meant to become a Dajjal, the small girl maybe continued story of other people that ever called me a Dajjal even, I remember one story, "dajjal only have 1 finger, the smallest finger" that I think is connected to this "name changing movement", people really dislike my name have "Muhammad" in my imagination, the story is creation of thinking that the small girl continued coincidentally "to create me Dajjal", means when I was schizophrenic, I lost memory and my eyes turn white(eyeballs rolled up), people will say vulgar, and even shout harshly "ALLAH"(in a painful tone), I remembered something like this, then it makes me feel hot, means I actually schizophrenic multiple times in school, then my family really think they shouldn't give me money is odd for me.
Somehow the small girl if become nice because her father is Wali Allah, I remembered she spoken correct things about people that hate me from internet, then she maybe discover a movement that hates me I remember my IRC friend ever called police saying I'm a hacker to get me caught but then I haven't become a hacker yet, at that time I maybe already schizophrenic in secondary days and doctor was there to tell I will become a hacker. He got disappointed when police did not catch me, means I actually have hypocrite friends?
I remember to recite a zikir that create no time loss in life 1 day I will spend maybe 1 day and night to zikir that continuously, hoping my 37 years old becomes nicer, it's definitely happening before January, as 5th is my Cleaning training from I.M.H.
I don't know why nobody in my house is supportive of me becoming a hacker job, I'm a hacker for so long but they didn't give me a course in computers too, they just let me be suffering schizophrenia and live like nothing, daily I spend time on my Android on sofa and my mother I anticipate will scold me and saying common normal things like solat and clean house, I don't know why it's like this but doctor claim I will become right hand man of Imam Mahdi, am I really a spoiled brat? Why is my strictness in life like this even when I have schizophrenia? The difficulty happens on purpose that my parents rather let me suffer in having no money, and they are not lovely to me too about money, it's hard to make me unable to go out with any girls.
I really hope doctor talk more on 29 December, but I think if he just remaining a doctor he just have a plan in mind, I wonder maybe because I'm already adult and he can't help me much but become "a doctor" to me. Means doctor actually treat me special when they ever spied my life journey, including to Batam. It just feels like a dream because happy things happens when doctors are around in public.
I really don't know what got me into cantonment at that time like "why doctor was not around?", they really wanted me to enter I.M.H with theft reasons? Means they let me have no money and go out far unable to come home as I have no ez link left, then I ate at Bugis after midnight the shop closed and get caught by security guard, I was hungry at that time, why are my parents strict to me about money? In the past it was different then they suddenly strict to me about money.
My friends all look having the capability to enjoy while me in a rich view but actually saves money in wallet, and not a rich person, I always sounds most richest in a group because my father works as a seaman at that time, then they knew it, the difficulty of money was real at that time that no matter how rich my father is called, he didn't really give money except ramadhan time to shopping, then my 1st sister change the way into giving back money to my father when I used to get all of it in the past, then I start to have no money in life.
I really want my recovery to happen fast in life, there's still micro earthquake in my head that my eyes becomes unstable, it's like I'm in a dream and smoking adjusted my health into proper health because of the coldness. I really can't know how to make my family understand I need the coldness in my body sometimes to become stable. I hope 1 of my family members that my aunt or uncle become sporting into telling for me that it's okay to smoke as long as not too much, but it never happens for 17 years long, they should understand my temperature needs to feel stable, then it's nice. I don't know why I can't speak to my parents this kind of stuff, they just choose to be strict and boring even if their age is above 70.
I don't know how to make my parents nicer to me because their age is 70 and 73, its a waste of time if they create me feeling painful from their anger and scolding, I really don't know why they believe they think better than me then Imam Mahdi really will want me as right hand man? Doesn't it make it that I'm actually a genius or prodigy in thinking skills? Why they just like to remain angry on me or it's actually the small girl's voice in a fast talk to create my mind and I'm listening to it again? The small girl really desire the strap jacket and mouth strap to threaten the one that revenge on her boyfriend, it's just my luck I must listen to her many times in my life.
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