Worry of Heart and Mind

I Still Think It's Like A Bad Future Because Of Schizophrenia, The Reason Is I Still Think If I Will Be Warded Because of The Smoking At Staircase, I Really Know It Won't Happen Again But I Remember Last Year The Police Came Twice, Including After 21 December(My Mother Back From Kampung) And Told Her About There's Too Many Ashes. I Don't Know How To Be Okay About This, Like Something Bad Going to Happen to Me But Doctor Didn't Tell Me Anything.

I Don't Know How My Mind Can Be More At Ease, If In The Past, I Can Just Smoke Then If They Didn't Scold Me About It, I Wouldn't Have Such Problem in My Life. It's Just Cigarette And It's Small Then Create Such A Panic Into My Life. I Really Hope Doctors Help Me And I Don't Have To Be Warded, I Really Can't Like My Life If To Be Warded, I Really Do Well About Medications.

It's Bad Small Sounds Like Plastic Or Water Droplets I Would Think It As Police Going to Warn Me. It's Like I Will Go I.M.H Again, It's Just Memory Loss and By Common Sense Smoking Is Okay Why Is It Like This? This Also Remind Me Of Portable Ashtray I Think As Important In My Life For This Kind Of Situation. Secretly I Think It Haven't End Yet.

I Wonder How Many Days They Going to Ward Me, *Sigh*, Everytime I'm Happy Like A Sign Something Bad To Experience.

Yesterday I Really Wrote Alot Due To A lot of Memory Rush Back, It's Like Recovery From Schizophrenia Happened Yesterday "But Still With Voices From Memories", Yesterday Felt Light, I Felt Really Hardworking To Change My Phone Number at Bank.

Just My Luck I Have To Feel Panic, I Wonder Why It's Like This, Smoking is Just A Cigarette, The Ashes Piled Up In a Public Place Then It's A Problem To Cause So Much Worry In My Heart, I Totally Forgot About This Yesterday Thinking It Had Ended, I Really Hope It Ends Somehow, It's Definitely Not Nice To Keep Being Warned Or Go To I.M.H. My Life Been Suffering Enough And It's Only Ashes They Could've Just Told Me To Sweep Myself But It's Like This, It's Like I Would Have To Do C.W.O(Corrective Work Order) Too. My Bad Luck Like a Prisoner or Criminal Just For This Kind Of Stuff.

Today is Day 114 Outside Ward, and 161 Days On Medications, It's Only 19 Days Left Or 24 Days Left To Celebrate As Half Year Done And Being On Medications. Doctors Still Didn't Contact Me As Know I Would Ask About (S), To Tell Me About The Smoking Ashes Will It Be Okay If Doctor Settle Somehow Like Confirming I Won't Do It Again. It's Like Real I Would Have To Do C.W.O If Don't Go I.M.H, Why Are They Like This About My Life? It's So Strict.

I Received Video of My Mother's Breakfast Today at Jawa:

I Seriously Think I'm Dead Having to do C.W.O or Be Warded In I.M.H, No One Is Capable to Help Me But I Just Lost My Memory That I Have Ever Smoked There.