So fun, I didn't even see her grow up in my imagination it's too fast, I wonder why I experience this in life, she's suddenly so big already, she's like around my height I think.
Wonder why I didn't get to be close with my niece and nephews, wonder what they feel about me too, it's all because of schizophrenia - I really lost memories that they are my family members even, weird but I guess it's okay now.
I just now tested on writing name of (S) and it creates lesser viewer somehow, I wonder what it means, it creates curiosity who viewed me too, means I think it's right if write real name they decide to view lesser. But it was only 4 views, then it grow into 5, I wonder if it's actually the same person.
I wonder what (S) thinks about me, I remember like I've ever told all my family members that I love her and want to marry her so don't m*sturbate on her as I want our family suci. Haha. I was schizophrenic at that time I think? It's weird but Jodoh is like that it's automatic but I became like this instead, I remember all my family members started questioning about this except to me, like a new family practice if the guys want to get married, cool right I started like a family discussion when I was schizophrenic.
My seriousness when I was in relationship is real, I still wonder why doctors claim I will marry 4 girls, how did it even happen? I'm in a sad feeling but doctors told me I will get married and have grandchildren too. Means actually even 1 I will be too happy already especially because I feel I'm too old already. I wonder when it's gonna happen in my life, the love story that becomes marriage. I still desire to travel to U.S.A, Italy, Germany, France, Russia, Netherland etc. too. I really want to go places and don't want to be a poor man, I want to become able to afford all these for my family to travel and experience holidays in such big countries. I wonder why my father grow old without worry that we haven't gone to such places, the family-bonding ended when travelling to Melaka became too many people to go there, we stopped as family when my niece exist, we used to go there every year since kids days. I wonder when will we be doing that again, my 1st sister idea of a cruise to melaka next year I wonder if it will happen, I definitely feel like working more but I want the old family-bond to happen again, it's been so long like we never really talk or know each other. For me it's worse, I'm 17 years behind knowing my family members, then my parents are growing old but they are not in a rush somehow, like living slow, like knowing and believing doctor saying they will live until 100+ years old. I think of buying my parents 100+ when they're 100 and 101 years old just for fun, it's still 30 and 27 years to go, I hope they don't help small girl boil me up accidentally anymore, it definitely will create happiness to her. I'm sad that someone living so close(because neighbour but now she in university hostel) likes me hurt or become experiencing bad in life, then like normal matters in family if create my heart in pain, someone will be loving it, like what for if my mother wants to make the small girl happy until like that? Like not giving me money everything? I hope doctors will talk to my parents about the small girl for me, its just unfair like I feel someone receiving happiness as long as I feel my mother is not nice to me. She massages my head but I still remember stuff like boiling heart, that I am well if on medications, I seriously don't want to be warded again and even if voices becomes less, it sometimes create me to forgot my parents are not scolding me, it triggers the voices if I anticipate my mother scolding me, it's just not a nice feeling that I feel doctor must tell my family.
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