Stress is definitely ending. I'm calmed down by cigs. so but I have 8 sticks left on my 3rd day, I really have cut down smoking and happy about it. I wish I can just quit just like that.
Today is Day 159 out of ward on medications, and total of 207 days on medications. I just remembered maybe it's not 182 days but 8 times jobclub and bulan 2 then Bik Minah will give me money, I don't know the small girl mixed up her own version of statements then it got me only listening statements that's loud and clear like 182 days, I hope I'm right and it's the end of panic and pain but 2nd February I will receive allowance anyway $6/hr. It will maybe be 3days a week kind of work and I'm happy its like that. I hope I will be earning money sooner like getting a job at Popeyes but 2nd February is like a fixed moment that I will earn, means nobody can do anything about me feeling needing money at this kind of moment.
My Simba data usage is 427mb/400gb, I think only every jobclub I will use alot of data and I'm thinking what to learn still Arabic language in my mind but pronunciation like gha ghi ghu is funny and difficult to speak Arabic will be hard, maybe I will just wait for Mandarin lesson when I got money and strength to do it.
This morning I bought redbull seeing my wallet only have $45 left because of some cents left at $46. It's dangerously close to the feeling of pain and panic, it's only 20th January and I'm only having like this in life. Redbull is important to me every morning but I didn't buy when Jobclub at that time, I feel it kinda ease some of the pain away because of having a sweet drink.
I will learn Iqra later don't know what time but I'm hoping the energy doesn't finish. I can see a vision of Iqra text sha shi shu, dha dhi dhu, tha thi thu, zha zhi zhu, as I start memorizing these, these 4 are the only difficult ones left that I need to remember before I can read the Al-Quran hopefully by 1 month or 3 months even.
My brother haven't talk of Car License yet so I wonder when is it still, I know it's finally ending the pain of being someone with low achievement, if I got a license it's like a jackpot feeling in life, then I really need to ask doctor for help on making the adventure ghost hunting group, to explore scary places with my nephews so they have a feeling of life in Singapore, ghost are something amazing to think about as it's "other world" and if can see we are special people, but why schizophrenics can't see ghost if can see things? Why psychics if can see entities are not called as schizophrenics? Life's really cool like that. I really want a status as psychic one day I really want to know what my grandfather(never seen them before) would say to me if he's alive, doctors really knows as they're psychic until like that, I really hope for a conversation with my grandfather, I wonder why money is strict in family especially, and I want to make a forum for family and relatives to communicate and can pin announcement like news that's fixated everytime we enter the forum, something important like maybe Aqmar entered J.C being the first in family to enter J.C? It's something cool like that a forum for family+relatives.
I really don't know how to get in touch with other people, I'm so bored like crazy they all really left me alone for more than 6 months taking medications, but total of 16 years as fact they all knew if asking to take medications will think of me as a view of insanity, then I think it's like being called crazy instead. I wonder how to survive this tough life.
For now due to worry of pain on my left arm if comes back, I can't do arm exercise at all, it's the most relaxed feeling then I can't do it, I feel like doing jumping jacks but my legs would hurt because of jumping, feel like my skeleton leg hitting the stone I step on if I do it, the worries are like that.
I don't know how I just need to endure 12 more days then I start earning money, the pain is really ending and I'm so happy about it. Today is Tuesday and (S) on 2/5 of her working week unless Saturday is half day, at least my plan works that she spend time working and weekend with her niece if she get a job at O.C.B.C, she's so special I knew her since kindergarten that I don't want a bad life story to happen like "pregnancy at young age", or "imagine she became naked with other man" it's all too painful, she's so beautiful then I don't want such stories to happen. I feel like Bik Minah visited her a lot at her workplace because my memory is she eats the same as me, then means my mother and Bik Minah actually in touch secretly maybe to tell of what to cook at home, they really must update me when they meet (S) if I can get a happy news, why won't (S) make up a happy news for me like accepting me in relationship and it's not the time yet because I have no money to spend time with her? And this kind of tie is enough, to secure her answer with "in a relationship" instead of "attached" with me? Cant she be treating herself like she's in relationship with me already because my relative keeps visiting her? Won't she miss my doctors' care and relatives' care if she decide to marry someone else? 37 is already an old age but she seems not worried at all, maybe she really got the psychological support that I wish for causing her not worried at all? I really feel hot and in pain all these 16 years and it's not nice how I wish (W) and (A) would serve me with cold water then they're not around, I wonder why my life really have to become this way? They don't really hang on with me and I'm in this difficulty my own self. Why is it like that if I'm in relationship then a fake break-up have to happen, then will someone even be loving me for more than 20 and 16 years being apart? I really don't know what to do in my life I only have to go through a fixed schedule while hoping for a recovery and memories to come back.
I think a long post will create more readers but I think doctors said if I have nothing to write but I still write it means I'm a 100/100 type of person, means I score maximum in school.
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