Number of readers makes me confident and loss of confidence if it's too little so I'm thinking what can make more people to read, if it's a secret number maybe exist to hide the other readers, why do I feel like (S), (W), (A) and my relatives reads? Doctors too sometimes because they are psychics. Is there no way they would talk about money that eases my heart as it will strengthen me from feeling rushy or panic or desperate in life? I really don't like the feeling of having nothing and no ones really helping me clearly that I feel it's better if I know it about when I will receive money, but people have decided it to be this way and I can't do anything about it.
After this I will learn Iqra awhile then it's total of 20 days of Iqra marathon feelings, I really am doing well in this and hope I got to become stronger in reading Arabic language, I hope nothing demoralizes me from learning how to read Arabic text. The desire to become a Wali Allah is strong and I really want to become either that or Psychic like my doctor's, so I keep knowing things will make my life easier, like I want to know what Allah will speak to me, I really want to hear voices of Allah too in my dreams maybe? Why can't we as humans hear or communicate with Allah? I will tell that it's hard life if he didn't recover me, then it's unfair that many people gets money while I don't and I'm at disadvantage at start of life from getting the girl I want because if I get money I could've saved up then I don't get money to save up even. Why Allah let me live like this and all I can do is hope in my prayers? Why (S) don't pity me enough that she start contacting me? Why is she like this to me? Is she also experiencing the same difficulty as me on purpose? Why she's so nice like that but not be in love with me? What about (W) and (A) they definitely feel better in life than me, they don't experience the same difficult life as me, the same heat as me too. Why the special girls are stronger to be more free than me that can worry about what may happen in life?
It's weird like have a cheatcode in life that they all knew what is going to happen to let it be this way, I wonder why I have to suffer when I don't need to suffer, they don't think this is harsh at all is also odd. If I think heartless won't I think they're all bad to me and they don't mind about it? What is it that I must understand instead that they won't help me at all is still the main thing in mind, giving money for medicine is common sense, but if imagine I don't take medicine, I still don't get $300/month like the price of medicines, why is my family like this to me (S)? Doesn't this make (S) have more chances to get to know other men that have money first? What if the love is true instead? (S) dont pity me at all?
I really think I have to go through hardship and heartlessness in life, they just chose to be this way in a kind of fixated decision to not give me money for so long. I don't know why but Mastermind is a stupid reason because I am not in contact with any Druglord. They just making me experiencing pain as additional pain added in life, for nothing. There's nothing that I can grow from this other than growing pain in my mind and heart, they just don't care about me and pretending normal to them is the only way of life. I have to boil up in anger or stress then have no one to contact because they leaving money as topic, so no one will contact me as the topic will be money in the end, then no one wants to give me money anyway, I'm so bad luck feeling the silence with voices of small girl sometimes, that is healthy somehow even if schizophrenic sometimes, without medicines too. It's so unfair bad people live a stronger status to get a view from people that they are better instead, I'm so unlucky in many ways that I have to swallow all these pain by myself.
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