It's Day 162 out of ward on medication today, then just total of 210 days on medications. Another 19 days will be total of 6 months out of ward on medications, I wonder if my family/relative will give me money by then. It's harsh if to think of money daily, I really don't know if I can control myself like this. I have $37 left around like this to last until 2nd February, I wonder why my family let me be feeling like this, I don't want to be a needy person, I don't want a poor person's feelings, only (S) understands me I guess. It looks enough like 7 more days or 8 days then it's February. February feel like a long time. Imagine I only have this moment to spend time with (S) and Valentine's day is the moment then they don't give me money, I'm deadmeat like that, I wonder what to do, I was not given a chance to save money at all, it's hard to get a lover fast in life, I'm in a suffering maybe nobody understands. It's additional on top of schizophrenia this suffering, it's not needed and it can be created by not giving money, I wonder why they calculate my life to be this way, if it's all the same moment of giving money too, if they give that is, sadly I can't verify at all if they're giving or not.
My Simba data usage is still at 1.04gb/400gb, it's been 1 week since reset and I haven't really spend it well, the way I use it is TikTok, Facebook and Abit of blogger on the way home from Jobclub. Today is (S)'s last day of the week, unless tomorrow is half day and she's always been on my mind like this. I hope she wake up about my love and realizing it as true then contact me, but it don't make sense if she don't know me at all, it's just too heartless the tunang moment, I didn't even tell her if she have baby with "Iman" her baby will be cacat in her eyes and others' eyes only, "Iman" will see him as perfect, knowing the baby will be Wali Allah, just to have a hatred feeling built on her, I only tell that her baby will be Wali Allah said by Psychic, haha. I don't know why love doesn't force someone or beg someone is bad, if we want someone won't we want to force or beg to have the person? Then I just practice not begging and forcing (S) at all. It's hard having nobody that understands me in life. It would have been enough seeing his face like monkey means his child will be cacat, but he somehow will see him as perfect, then (S) would be sad and finally fall in love with me that's too late and painful, but love still happens then she will become a Witch, does Law believe in Witch I wonder. I remember doctor said her nose will keep growing to become a Witch(by making her angry) and will become normal again if shes with me, funny and scary, I really love her anyway whatever her face becomes, but definitely not a Witch's face, I would have reason to hate her.
It's only 7.30a.m in the morning now, and I have written a blog, hoping for attention about money. Anyway Zabid didn't reply me then I think it's okay anyway, I really don't know what to speak to him, like a bugger if I msg him long anyway, because he's married and have child/children. Time really flies that it's easily 37.5 years old now, I'm really shocked 16 years old passed and (W) and (A) didn't effort something else to hang on but just like this, there's no initiative that in love to just hang on and not leave their lover? Why am I left alone like this when schizophrenia is not my fault at all?
I think/thought early morning is the moment that I will have lesser readers, then I remember 1 time it was 15 viewers, I really shouldn't be feeling like hope is crushed, someone definitely will talk to my family about money, it's too hard like this thinking of money everytime. Only (S) understands me I guess. I remember if one of them were to buy anything, it's to buy 5 meals I think for me to feel and 4 other girls including themselves, because they pick a life of "susah senang together with me", I wonder why they don't feel it's hard at all, girls really don't eat a lot they don't really feel like me maybe? I remember quote that girls wishes to eat anything without getting fat though, then why they eat so little? I wonder like that. Maybe their size is smaller anyway they don't really feel the hunger. Thinking this way, will I end up marrying 4 person in the end? Will I really Solat in the end? Will the 4 girls Solat behind me in the end? Is life really going to become okay to Solat?
I really hope I don't miss Pahala Solat even if I don't Solat because i feel its a common sense and even if want to do it I don't feel well, I wonder what I should do. People really can't be angry at me at all, there's really higher peace than Solat maybe? People became President and not all of them are Muslims, people became Prime Minister too, status happens definitely because of the peace they feel, it is strength I think to be having peace for the kind of smartness that we wish in life. Like there's really nothing to be sad about like I remember Asma-ul-Husna 99 names of Allah before, then I didn't get heavenly feelings too, the teachings of Islam don't match our understanding we thought we would feel like in heaven already and be granted wishes immediately, it's still okay if I don't Solat I guess. I ever heard there's a way to Solat just by walking around, then wonder of how to do it, just so people don't keep repeating the same thing, even if they don't repeat I keep hearing voices telling to Solat anyway it's painful like heart boils up, no one can Solat easily if angry anyway, the peace really got taken away. I wonder if I'm really the first in Bloodline to remember Asma-ul-Husna I definitely have prayed everyone to become in Heaven due to the advantage of memorizing 99 Names of Allah, and to take all my families and relatives with me to Heaven because memorizing 99 Names of Allah the benefit is "Going to Heaven" that I thought can be felt immediately. I didn't feel heaven immediately but the happiness exist still like a Jackpot feeling. I also prayed for the Highest Heaven to be close to Rasullullah s.a.w.
I really hope doctor help me in an additional or extra ways for me to feel less pain like the RG477V to make it real, but I feel like they forgotten about it, because having a hobby that's nice will definitely take some time away from my life. I remember I told doctor I believe if Muslim then we will meet again in Heaven, because if he treated me like a Son I want to remember him, because I don't really remember is like a bad person, then I read someone kind, gentle won't be touched by Hellfire, I think they're all kind and gentle anyway. I mean the stories of death of a doctor coming when RG477V appears then he remembers me a lot while I don't isn't it bad that I should be spending time with those that treat me like a Son, because I understand what it feels like to love a baby like as an Uncle but they treat me like a Son means it's something special already exist. I feel it's a recovery way that they notice if I remember anything yet, if they tell me about the past that I don't remember, I think I must remember my past again to be stable and happier in life.
I remember that I also want to learn Law, so other than Psychology and Computers Stuff I want to know about Law so I can defend someone in need in my opinion, it's like I think it's unfair if someone AWOL and Detention Barrack become known as a Prisoner instead, it's really like a high level crime instead of be called a Prisoner. I really want to learn Law to remove such records should happen to be fair because my view of fairness is like that. We shouldn't demoralize someone for having such status just because he have other kind of pain for not attending N.S, N.S can be forced anyway so to have a record is like creating bad image on person, working is by Area of Interest anyway, I really want to study Law for this.
I hope my mentality have strengthened by the days I consume medicines and recovering already. Yesterday I dreamt my Mother became Palm Size and it's scary like a Jinn is taking care of me instead when she save me from Fall, she suddenly appears again, then I wake up feeling like an Orphan again like I have no parents because of the dream, I wonder why it's like that, maybe every sleeping moment is the sickness of schizophrenia appearing again? I start to feel that lorazepam as something important again in life.
Schizophrenia really makes my life dull, heart like secret 100°C happens to inside body multiple times in a split second, like keep shocking myself or automove body or stuck because too painful and too much, then (W) and (A) not around to comfort me at all. I wonder why I feel like this does (S) understands me this much I feel like she knows everything about me, then why she pretend not knowing because we never really talked before? I think I will write more later and happy working (S) Good Morning anyway.
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