Today I ate Egg Masak Kicap with Ikan Bilis, and my mother fried egg again and put inside the Masak Kicap, will be egg and ikan bilis again I guess.
I've done learning Iqra I feel it's enough, I practiced Abit on joint-Arabic-text thats have like 0 on top, and I correct on them mostly, I'm happy about it. I feel like I can read the Al-Quran really soon, but it would be too fast because haven't even 1 month yet. I wonder if I will be fine definitely will be slow unless I memorize all of it first. I have no cheerleaders to do this hahaha but I'm really energetic about it. Will I really become somebody in the Muslim World? I really want the highest heaven, I hope I can try to learn Arab too, just so for the highest heaven can communicate in Arab 1 day hahaha. Will I get it even? How long years do I have to understand Arab? Do I have enough time being 37.5 years old now? I really hope I can be fast like (A) she can read Arabic smoothly, she made me regret I quit learning about it when I was a kid but then I was schizophrenia anyway, I should just keep trying until successful as success quote is like that, to keep trying until successful, doesn't this mean we can be successful in anything? I will be successful in selling Anbernic, Portable Ashtray and Shoes? I really want this kind of business.
I remembered my Uncle about television in room, Aircon plan, I really hope it's the end soon like I can feel pleasure talking to anyone instead of like this defensive feelings, that I hope I won't get annoyed by painful rejection like money, what are they testing about, why there's no conversation about it at all?
I'm thinking of Preying Mantis, Baby White with Blackish Pigeon, Small Black Snake - I really want to care these alot, I wonder how, will doctors support me about it? Like helping me to get them? Will I be a caring Pet Owner? I really want a wonderful life with Pets, I really don't know what I should do in life. I won't ask for my terrapin because I remember 1 terrapin ever died because they don't want to eat I worry it won't want to eat again, I wonder why it's like that the behaviour of terrapin. I also wonder if it's alive, will my neighbour know if I have the energy to care for a pet yet? I really wonder if doctors still in touch with my neighbours. Doctors will tell anything I think. Wonder when's the happy feelings coming in my life. It's so dull, I really feel like buying Jeans to go out to City Hall, then maybe walk at Boat Quay or Clarke Quay area or Raffles Place thinking of O.C.B.C to search for (S), I don't know if I will be successful even, why my relatives don't bring me to meet her anyway? It's so long my life, I really want to meet her, it's a sudden gone of pain and lightness when I see her, she makes me feel so strong and wonderful. Shes so beautiful causing this to my life. I'm sad how (W) and (A) don't support me like I have someone to hang on to, it's like the vision causes difficulty then nobody pity me if it's hard to walk, I ever hard to walk before because of schizophrenia, I wonder why such pain happens between my legs hahaha, it's weird maybe I didnt move for so long due to catatonia and stuck my boxers? I wonder.
I really have to wait until I get a job I guess, a man cant care soulmate if cant work? But I have spent so many years being schizophrenic then it's like I only have little numbers of years left to spend time with my lover, why nobody calculated stuff like this for me and help me get my lover? It's been so long my life in loneliness, I really don't have (W) and (A) to pimpin me like an old man due to schizophrenia, became a slow person feeling the hotness, I really walk by myself all these while, I feel sick then nobody support me like bringing me water too, it's sad how they are not nursing me when I actually supposedly have them, then small girl caused the break-up and schizophrenia got me to be on a weaker feelings in life, it's so sad I don't have friends too. I wonder what my old friends feel about me if I appear again, they don't contact me at all, and doctors didn't help me get in touch with anyone too, is it maybe about money causing this silence? What should I do in life? Play games then I have no money and game yet, if play on Android will the feelings be okay?
Why my brother didn't talk about Car License yet even after confirming he remembers about wanting to pay for it? Is it must wait for doctor? Doctor really ever said of knowing my health about the Car License, maybe doctor haven't called yet? When is the moment all of them will be speaking to me about my sickness and ways to decrease it?
What about ideas of going to shopping malls as family? Will it even happen? There's so many shopping malls in Singapore and I don't want us ketinggalan zaman, I even hope we can go places like Downtown East together, then maybe we just don't have a big vehicle to fit everyone ever since Dina was borned we stopped going Melaka with this as reason, maybe if I have Car License I can really buy a Small Lorry for family to spend time together, my nephews all can sit at the back and feel fun air everytime we go out as family.
I wonder what should we do? We should taste the Best Nasi Ayam, Nasi Lemak etc. as family I think, I wonder how can this happen, we don't go out as family because vehicle can't fit everyone, I hope doctors take my idea and tell to my family because I'm bored at home they don't give me any contact number of my friends too, then I only remember Zabid's number then I don't know what to talk to him, he's married with 2 babies I think or only 1, I forgot, he's got own house already, they're all far ahead of me but luckily I still have (S) susah senang with me, I hope she becomes my Wife and she knows Zabid from Kindergarten(we same school), and (W) maybe knows Zabid from mIRC then (A) don't know Zabid at all.
It would be cool like having all my friends again 1 day hopefully like catching up on stories of their life, they all have felt more fun food than me I guess, my 16 years of suffering maybe only (S) feels the same pleasure of food due to her secret copy from doctor I think, I hope (W) and (A) became happier without me anyway, and hope they have a nicer life because of my schizophrenia I can't give them a nice life at that time I can't even work properly.
Schizophrenia really takes away nice feelings from me and even takes people from my life because of my mindset became something else. It sucks small girl's success got me losing my friends, if not I would be thinking of them nicely and no voices that's harmful statement to me, nobody relaxes with me for a long time.
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