Later I will be reading Iqra and it's the only energy of life I have left of becoming smarter. Now is 10 January I am 1/3 done this month and I'm happy time really moves fast because I really want to reach June at least it's a confirmation of getting money from my mother. I don't know why my body is feeling weak, and I feel as a smoker wastes money on cig. as true too, if to treat it as something that's Haram, then it makes wanting to quit cig. more but then remembering like smoking is nothing, it's like bad feeling if don't smoke then I don't know how to cope as can't sleep through it, I will feel more awake if I don't smoke, it's bad I think.
Iqra have more like there's like "o" signs and "w" signs on top, then I don't know it's like reading a jointed text something like that, but I see Al-Quran mainly is the Iqra 1 level of text. I am really energized by Iqra daily as to live life like understanding Arabic text makes me have a reason to do something in the day, I don't know why nobody appearing as helpful to my life during stress moments I thought somebody would be around but doctors maybe have ruled into setting not receiving money at all to my life as worry I may become a druglord.
It's fair but then why do I have to be in a panic anyway, the feeling is not nice at all. I look at cleaners of coffee shop they look like tempting to ask a job from, then I don't know why I will become like a useless person - a cleaner standard is like useless to me. My brother ever work as cleaner but factory then now he's earning a lot in life, like can keep buying food from outside, he's lucky health in life.
I think it's maybe February or March that I will take driving license sponsored by him, I wonder when he will talk about it.
I didn't do what I plan in life like fishing because I don't know how to fish, and I thought the voices are really memories of conversation with doctor about me going fishing with him 1 day would happen, I guess not and it's maybe dreams or I've been tricked about it by stories of "if go fishing, will go fishing". I really feel sad I didn't get to save up for $99 laptop, $160 ghost stories book, or fishing equipments, then I check it's only 2 months August and December that I receive money from government, then how did I live last year? It's really hard to have no money in life.
I feel so pressured like they don't help me have a something to try go out with (S) and they let the chances of her being with someone else, they really won't want to help me at all. I remember my mother have said she maybe married then it's sad she didn't effort seriously at all. Then doctor told (S) in m.r.t my mother would effort, then it's 2 different stories, my mother didn't effort at all making me feel my life kept growing to become nobody in the end. They believe in prayers but they still heed what doctor said, why not they just give me money then pray I don't buy cig. instead of believing doctor too? Then it's not easy to be the one having no money then they're the one having money to choose to give or not, their luck in life is higher than mine even if I'm 37.5 years old. They made me write like kids about money and I became like a childish or useless person image because of them, then it made me no hope of getting (S) at all. It's like they just want me to forget (S) and I may self-damage but they just continued. I really dont know how I can forget (S), she's maybe being told information that makes her not contact me at all too, then believing it. I really feel like a bad luck in life.
Everytime I feel like this kind of anger I would want to smoke more, then they're the cause of me wanting to smoke a lot more, then threatening to ward me like a child still causes me not to smoke, then they pressurize a man like this being the only hope in life then they choose not to help? Means I have no one to hope for other than they change their plans or ideas. Life's really not meant to be like a sacrifice then even schizophrenia, they make me live like someone with full health that can get money ownself. It feels like someone made my family stupid or doctors ideas of druglord reasons really stopped anyone from helping me. I don't know how they got the heart to let me suffer in my life. Just making me feel like a useless man and enduring until June to receive money or support from them, I really struggling to keep the pain of having no money away from my life. People that work in life feels different, after work they just sleep then next day work, they are healthier to work and healthier life at home.
I really feel the gap between me and (S) like created to exist when it don't have to exist, like a parent support children to have money to save ownself then go out with girlfriend, then my parents just being different than being a supportive parents, it's some kind of drug reasons that they have, if I'm bad I definitely don't have a lot of adopted parents, like Ministers of country, why they risk me into feeling stressed about life? Like my brother in the past is hard about living life with girls too, girl as someone important but they practicing me as to feel nothing about girls. The difficulty is definitely made on purpose "to feel the pressure" instead of being supportive parents. I don't know what to say to my mother but I will ask her 1 day anyway, she definitely will create me angry or like raise voices, but it's a practice they do on me causing me unhealthy too. Dont know why doctor acting dumb about this, they just definitely enjoying the decision of not helping me properly.
No comments:
Post a Comment