I decided to save the $100+ left I have but until when is the new Budget Package? It's so stressful, do my family really knows I don't have money and it's life requiring money? I didn't have money last year then I was warded again anyway in June, why is it like that? Why I lost memory so fast that it felt like "it's been the same condition that I'm in"?
I now have up to 3 bottles then 2 rectangular mugs for cold water in refrigerator, I keep making cold water to decrease the pain at my heart area, it really increases my health this method, I don't think it's serious as psychic don't say anything about it?
I have no cigs. already and I think it's really over this time because I am short of money, maybe people really don't give me money because of cig. it's really hard life thinking like this all the time, about money.
I really hope I'm not in delusion and will receive support from my family after I've done all the days in jobclub, at least something, the imagination is next cash giveaway is August again because it's been like that? I wonder why life's so hard, I really have to be patient and let the days pass by me until I complete all job training of jobclub, I really have no schedules except that, I also feel bad once I'm done with it somehow, I wonder how to decrease the boredom, money definitely can make me go out more and feel more in life, but food becomes shit anyway then I really just want to feel peaceful having money, then people are maybe waiting for the end of jobclub, in my mind thinking why they are so strict to me except for cigs., then I think of maybe beer, liquor, experimental of cure using them? Wine? I really have to live like this.
Why they are not telling me the pattern or days of giving me money, is it maybe they've ever told then information recreated by shouts of small girl? It's really my bad luck to have her in life passing my life journey, I really don't know then in the end will still blame her anyway, if not it's like she's not doer of most of the pain I experienced in life. She's currently N.U.S I think, I really dont know what makes her strong against schizophrenia able to learn until university, but it's definitely waste of money if she quit and suffer schizophrenia(the bad type) but finally understanding what it feels like to hear voices and repetition of people that we became to thought are entities or the people on the phone or surrounding itself talking to us.
37.5 years old is not enough to recover yet, I'm happy it's already 6th January though, it's really round-off into 10, imagining 1/3 of January wil be done soon, I hope I receive support and strength from people so I don't panic in my heart.
Just now I bought 2 bbq chicken pau using voucher and happy it's not sticky, it's perfect and I finished them quite quickly.
While writing this I ate awhile as my mother finished cooking rendang ayam, and I no longer have cigs. to puff, I think it's the end of cig. life finally. I really thought I would end up with tobacco pipe, but maybe doctor is right even that I can just stop smoking whenever I wish(special smoker). Really only need to save up cold water to ease the pain in my body, the boredom is like insanity if I imagine my life always having nothing to do. I really hope I stabilize somehow just from exercising daily.
Tomorrow hopefully my family haven't taken out voucher yet so I can buy chicken chop with tomato rice again in the morning, really just maintaining a healthy meal as I am excited about my future babies 1 day, I think my current health is really poor as fact causing "baby will be sick" if makes babies, like the unknown pain in body that calms from cold water, it's either schizophrenia or catatonia or the cause of anhedonia, I wonder how to recover from it, it makes me feel uneasy and always wanting to move about.
Making 50 squats makes me rest more today and I'm easily now at 3.24p.m that time is really quite fast too, I think of doing more squats later as it promotes easier sleep, my legs really feel nice when resting until the next day, it's really good to exercise squats. The exercise is just funny looking making me feel like not doing it at the same time. Yesterday was very uncomfortable I became desperate and did a lot of random stretches and movement then finally squats. Body was not in a healthy feeling I wonder what's making me this way.
Somehow I feel once I get money I will recover but then I really don't know, February is at least a confirmed moment that I will start earning at least $6/hr unless Popeyes hire me faster, I hope doctors makes them faster for me somehow.
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