Difficult day

I guess still can't quit cig. yet, it's difficult the emptiness felt is too boring, I went to shop and bought L&M for $14 using cash and $2 Milo voucher, I accidentally gave 50 cents and not taking back 20 cents then I lazy to turn back.

I wonder what to do if I don't smoke my vision really became like schizophrenic and I feel sad alot like something not satisfying my body.

I turned my $90 into $76 just like that. It feels like nobody's helping me about money what more about cig. it's too tough to go through life like this. I wonder what I should do.

I felt my head so sandy and my vision like having crystals and people dancing I feel like insane if I don't smoke, why is it like that? Is it the spike still around even after this many months? I really have calmed down now. Now because I'm unable to quit cig. I lost the energy about puasa if I can really make it 30 days full puasa, it's really hard I became like a spoiled or ruined person, I did not puasa for so long in my life. My head have calmed down after smoking and I was feeling unhappiness from not smoking, I thought I'm at nice energy of quitting cig. I really don't know what I can do about this, my family really not supporting me about cig. at all. I remember my father said to be warded if smoke, it's really harsh but he said it like that. I remember doctor told me my cousin is the fastest to recover schizophrenia as a Guinness world record then I will also get a Guinness will record: Most patient person in the world. Doesn't this mean they actually making me angry above limits of a normal person? Why did doctor say it like that too, like created energy that I'm special? I'm definitely going to receive money for the world record I think.

This means they knew they're being harsh on me above limits of a person because it creates impatient, people may commit suicide because of having no money in life then they knew my age limit of not getting married as 38, then they giving me money at 38 years old, like a suicide prevention. I remember when I was teenager I had no money frequently then it's too strict I wanted to buy a lot of dormicum(sleeping pills) and commit suicide by eating a lot of it, then it didn't happen and I didn't do such thing. Doctor knew about this but not talking anything about it. I really don't know what kind of help will doctor give me about my money-stress, is it they really won't talk to my parents or family at all about money? It's so hard living like this.

It's sad like I just spent away my money to buy cig. then it actually calms me down then nobody is helping me about it, like giving me support but just expresses silent anger I think, instead of telling my parents to give me money, the readers are unknown who anyway, I only can think of relative that I don't talk to.

It's boring if (S) name is written this way but I have to be like this I forgot the reason, it's nothing wrong to express love I think, I think she's just enjoying her life without me a lot more maybe or sometimes now, like who can communicate nothing with someone who told love then it means she doesn't love me at all as can ignore me like girls ignore guys who fell in love with them.

I'm going to learn Iqra now for awhile then done, don't do what to do again. I feel like riding my bicycle but then I'm like a no life now. Nobody is meeting me because they know it will be about money, then I don't like talking about money, it would be unpleasant, then I just have to feel happy about 38 years old getting money, still a survival feeling is not wanted in my life, I feel it's hard like this, I really have nobody to support me in life.

I became like shameless writing about money, it's too bad like for reading (S), it's very self-damaging if write about money. The truth is still like this that people wait for the moment while I am wishing I feel lighter now, nobody is lifting the weight from my life is the reality.