It's until Level 6, and I thought the complete one is until Level 5, I think I should do this one and see if I can understand Mandarin Language, I don't know why I can become lazy in learning, it's maybe anhedonia causing me like this, the energy need to be full blast because it's free and correct then I start to feel I should learn from a school or class instead, I wonder what I should do.
The boredom of life is happening and people maybe busy working while I'm like this, today is Friday (S) definitely at work but I think only doctors or my relatives think of her then my family don't? Why is my family like this? It's been so many years I've been trying to get her then I'm still not successful. The previous post I got around 11 viewers that I somehow think 1 is (S) still but how fast is she on knowing I write a post, is it someone spying for her and giving her papers? My motive of blogging is to write about my life and plans of getting her like hinting, then I remembered I have spoken to her before and until now it's still no use, I wonder why I should give up if she haven't got a child yet, I think I should keep this up and in this feeling of she is 1 of my reader.
I wonder if she will be bored of me because it's like always the same matter that I write about, then lately I think of money and business. I feel like I can biz the shoes that I can buy at Lazada, the Anbernic handheld consoles I can buy at TikTok, then I think of doing it, I just need to get my life like having friends again. I want to have places to play games together with people, co-op games always been my favourite as it's together defeating enemies, then I haven't played something like that for so long, then I saw Counter-Strike in the past and I got addicted to it. I remember I truant school in the past to play Counter-Strike including sekolah agama days, I really scored nothing in school, life is boring that my mind maybe was schizophrenic and I can't think well that education is best for my future, I wasted my life and hanged on at 17 years old for my N-level.
I bookmarked MandarinCorner2 but it's like I have ever written this before, did I lost memory or what? Why do I feel this way? I really want my other memories to come back. I remember my cousin received help when he needed money and luckily his family support him and he got schizophrenia too but had recovered and a good job and life now, fastest to recover from schizophrenia I think doctor said this.
I don't know what to do my life feels like slow and I'm like late in getting achievements, I wonder what I can do in life, I really have to work Popeyes my entire life? When would I get a stable job? Will my health become stable that I can get a stable job? Why is it difficult for me? Cant Imam Mahdi just appear then somehow Muslims get food and help because of Imam Mahdi then life become easier? Why is my life so hard?
I wonder what happened to my energy of having hybrid fruit farms for the appearance of Imam Mahdi and for Muslims to feel lebih untung in life, I really don't have money to do it, it's sad I just being ambitious about it but I think it's something special.
It's only 10.34am and I have written again, at first was around 8 then 9 then now 10, it means I'm bored at home while everyone else actually working, it's bad like this like people don't think I'm sick in the way of speaking or wishing stuff for me to do, it's hard life but people demand a lot like the imagination of Solat, I don't know why my heart is like this, there's like a physical uneasy feelings in my heart and I don't know what.
My plans for fishing like won't happen because nobody supports me or contact me online then just like a fat hope for doctor to fish with me so I can ask psychic questions and then my heart would be at ease a lot. I really want to know when I will get married, doctors really not telling me the day at all. I don't want to be someone not married and not become a grandfather too, I really want to become a grandfather 1 day, 40 years old if I have children, if my children marry when I'm 65, I would become grandfather by then, means I really will be happy in life in the end? Doctors didn't tell me the age that I would become a grandfather too, why psychic don't just make life easier for me because of knowing the pain in my life is physical and can be settled by stuffing nice food?
I can't know what else is good for me in life, soon around 11a.m I will start learning Iqra then I would imagine the Arabic Alphabet in my heart then memorize it, it's still good becoming 16 days of knowing Iqra that I will become smarter 1 day in life. The only effort really is slow as memory is like this only like limited, doctors made me believe alot of things in life like I am so smart I can become Mufti of Singapore even, it's due to scoring 100/100 for N-level then I thought I can score 100/100 in all Islamic Studies too, I wonder if I can do something like this 1 day, I really just ambitious to become someone smart and intelligent in view of many people, I want to become famous as someone smart but it didn't happen for my N-level sadly, people just live their life normally while my scores became normal sadly for missing school due to schizophrenia, schizophrenia really created my luck into nothing and I feel like a suay person.
I wonder why I become ambitious like that even when I am on medications, still the same thought, it's due to scoring high before, I really feel like I can actually do a lot of nice things in life but I wonder why my body in pain like I can't do a lot of good things in life. My entire family I think Solat except me, they're all better than me, I grew up to be wishing for things instead as for life pleasures, I think of downloading PSP emulator to try have fun on my Android I wonder if I can do that at all too, life's too boring and I wonder when I will get my Soldier or Hacker Job, isnt it 38 years old? Why can't it be faster too? Don't everyone need money in life to think that I definitely need money too? Why like difficulty is created upon me on purpose? Why don't I receive news like I will get money 1 day?
It's harsh if imagine the readers as someone around my age then seeing things like this, didnt they created me to feel like childish?
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