Today I eat keropok with sambal kacang it tastes like gado-gado, with rice. It's nice like that. I really feel unhappy being short of cash like I will experience $0 for real, unless I quit smoking, then it's hard to feel vibrations that's hard to body, I wonder why people are so harsh to me, I wonder what makes others able to smoke even if life could be like mine, isn't it because family gives money? Why do I have to survive myself while other people actually family support them no matter what it is?
Later I will learn Iqra again, then I have followed "Cikgu Zazah" on learning mandarin language, they have 70+ episodes of learning mandarin, I hope I really understand mandarin language. I don't know what's making me feel this way like people are actually unfair to me, like making me see (S) is at advantage in life having health so can work while it's hard for me to live like this, I still remember like my nurse that treats me like family maybe will be giving me money too, then I remember he said I will topup to Simba line with the money and save the rest, it feels like I would have quit smoking soon, by story of nurse. But why the story of nurse that I'm buying "True S.G Ghost Stories" book also exist? Is it a "maybe buy" thing? Do the nurses remember me at all? I wonder like this. I'm happy if they remember they ever made me hear all that, I really hope I don't feel so poor. I think I didn't buy the Ghost Stories because it's a waste of money in the end? Why there's no e-Book of it I wonder like that, wouldn't it be nice to be having e-Book of it?
I feel like a needed rise in readers so I have to write more I feel that way, to feel like someone got in touch with my family and told them I need money, I don't know whose in control of the quantity definition but I remember psychic team have a leader then maybe it's my doctor again. I remember reading main page can read multiple posts at a time so it doesn't really matter, if have extra viewers means other posts are read too and that's the point. I wonder when will relatives be like discussing a way to communicate like my idea of forum, instead of Whatsapp will be too noisy for phone and too many people, forum is "own time own target" and can just stay logged in refreshing for new posts everytime like my blog is waited for. I have idea of posting in forum like if I will get a car and motorcycle license as pass, to announce to my family and relative because it's so fun, I feel such things are necessary for others to know.
I drank a lot of cold water today until my body feels too cold, yesterday I slept without the fan on because it's cold, I'm happy at least feels cold instead of hot, maybe because I drank a lot of cold water yesterday, I do have to go toilet alot though. Tomorrow is jobclub I hope I have no feelings of going to toilet in the morning, it would be troublesome. 6/8 times is a happy number of times, it's really ending soon and I'm hoping I can save this $40 now, I just want to make myself feel lighter then like nobody understands me, why is it so hard to not mind about cigs.? Isn't the spike making me feel unhealthy as fact and cigs. is the only shortcut for cold feelings?
I wonder when anyone will communicate with me about my blog, definitely someone read and making the numbers but I think it's my uncle, then I don't know if he is guided by psychic leader about the number I need to see. I still remember like 5 means "Salam" to him, instead of hi-5 if me would think like that, means "to talk"(about or talk with me?), I really get 20+ viewers sometimes and I'm so happy about it I got someone that's at attention to my life needs. I have no one to communicate with and no one is helping me about it, it's harsh like everyone knows or suspecting what I will write and will maybe talk about wanting (S) in the end, then no one can do anything about it. (S) need to do something for me like making a time for me, instead of people deciding when it can happen, I need to feel lighter in life, life feels too heavy.
I feel like downloading PPSPP emulator on my Android to play PSP games, I wonder if I should, it would definitely be hard as the L and R button as a click instead of pressing the top of back, RG477V would definitely make me happier PSP player again. I wonder when my anhedonia can vanish I really want to feel normal playing games, it's hard to swallow the life of having no cigs. but in mind like I can topup my Simba, then it's really just $10 left until end of month, if I topup Simba what does (S) use, she topup to her Line Monthly Payment Account? Why won't she change to Simba and just contact me? The phone call Simba to Simba is free I think, or SMS is free, I really think we can talk a lot, but maybe she's actually busy working. I really want my life to be happy with (S). I made CapCut videos of (S) and me, then our faces as babies are different instead, it's funny and cool if imagine our future babies will look like that instead, just imagining and dreamy that I can be husband of (S). I'm still like a shock how (W) and (A) still left me alone, like not updating me about their life, if we're together because of the small girl's attack are not counted as break-up, why didn't they hang on a different way? Wouldn't it make me like self-damage? (S) understands me I think, I really want love to be perfect if life is not perfect.
I think like downloading PSP Game Harvest Moon on Android and playing, like something to keep me busy, like buying the L and R for Android will be nice too, I wonder if I will do that. My android costs $300+ then it's maybe worth it but I don't have money to try buying and use it the way I like, I still got no earphones for example, I'm understanding what a poor life is like and everyone let me be experiencing this for nothing, it just adds a bad feeling to my life but they have agreed for me to feel this way I guess, why are they like this to me? I'm a human too and I need energy of life like money, I want to go out too like normal people, like spending time using my Simba data, taking photos of places outside, I can visit (S) many times to make my body feels lighter due to missing her, and recover too? Why is it like this? Saturday and Sunday I can maybe go to Choa Chu Kang and meet (S) too, like under her block, if I have money I maybe can do all these but they don't even tell me her location despite knowing and I'm let be to experience this. Why are doctors, family and relatives like this to me?
I'm thinking of money if I have: buy spectacle, L and R button for Android, earphone for Android, nice jeans to go City Hall and take memorable pictures like knowing places because it's been 16 years and even if the place is the same there's a food place at Esplanade now, I really want to feel something different in life. The Top Nasi Ayam Mr Grumpy also is at woodlands I would want to try that too. I really think I should get money earlier than the calculated 8 times to Jobclub, I want to feel ease faster in life but none let me even if are readers, they dont tell my family about it maybe.
I wonder when my Relative will want to write at my blog too, I will invite at email then at least have a reading area for family and relative I think it's nice, will (S) want to write too? I definitely will invite anyway without her asking, whatever that's nice in life I want her to feel it too. Then what's email of (W) and (A) I wonder because I definitely will invite them without them asking too, they're really broken up with me because of small girl and people take it lightly like not piecing us back together because it was unintentional break-up, the occurrences don't make sense and bad things didn't happen for a break-up to happen, the only bad thing is my memory because of small girl and schizophrenia, other than hot feelings in my body.
I finally became energetic again about tomorrow and I'm happy about it. It's like a drug that comes to pleasure when consumed, the happiness of doing jobclub is like that? I want it to keep living instead, why it's like a mood instead? I want to always be happy doing jobclub.
It's reaching 10a.m soon, I will eat my Mood Support Pill soon and learn Iqra maybe 10.30 or 11a.m, I hope I feel better and did a good decision today, I don't want my life in a mess, I need somebody to support me now. I read about "Success", is to "try ask someone for help" as 1 of the point. I really tried like asking for money, but it's still no use.
I wrote long today but at least it's not the same story like everyday, anyway I hope I found a black snake one day that's usually in Singapore grasses, I really want a pet snake, and I have ever asked doctor for it then still no pet snake until now, maybe doctor don't know how to get it as psychic I believe he knows though, maybe he's just not in the mood. The black snake moves so fast on water then glide slowly on soil, I really want 1. Hahaha, it's so smaller than our palm that's why it's fun if have 1. Will (S) take care of a pet snake with me then like Male and Female and then we marry them for more black snakes? They're fun to have they swim really fast on water, I really hope we can make a lot of pregnant black snakes 1 day as a hobby to care with entire family(including relatives). The eggs definitely will be so small as the snake is forever small I think, I wonder when is my turn to have such animals, I really want my happiness in life to not be loss and a happy life journey.
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