I don't know if calculation writing really makes me get help from my relatives to tell my parents to give me money, cig. really had calmed me down from the visions that's like crystal in front of me, like a dreamy life happens while awake. The pleasure maybe stabilizes me but due to anhedonia I may feel no pleasure but it still stabilized me. I really don't know how to maintain my life if people want me to quit smoking, like support in cig. matters too, as I live a life of no money.
Bicycle was important to me then I still feel sad I didn't smoke then spent on bicycle, I thought I am no longer a smoker. But smoking caused me to feel more stable than the paranoid feeling of poisoned food appears causing me wasting my experience of not eating prata in I.M.H.
I truly hope (S) look for a way to get in touch with me because I feel they really won't help me at all, to urge (S) to contact me, I'm just going through a life with a lot of feelings playing inside my head and heart.
Why do others feel better than me in life that I have to endure matters of my needs but others just happily healthily working and still can buy cigs.? I'm really ruined this way the way they strict on me about money, it's just a lot of bad feelings to experience in life and won't it make me think they are heartless to make me go through this?
I think they just want me to think that I have adopted parents then testing if I would ask for money from them. They are all somehow in the same direction about money, they're not supporting me at all.
I imagine $20 Voucher = 2× Buy Cigg. Using up $6 = I left $40, then $40 is 3 times for cig. as it's $39, can I survive for 2 weeks with 5 box of cig.? 2nd February I would earn $18 for 3 hours of work at jobclub I.M.H. 5 box is 15 days if I can save cig. if not it's only 10 days left, now is 18 January, I really am surviving my life this way for real? Why is my family like this to me?
I don't understand the strictness at all. I really must not buy cig. for real? Maybe Ramadan is the moment I will quit cig. in the end because of goaling to puasa for 1 month? Why they don't support me until Ramadan then?
The readers I assume as my relatives are not giving me money at all? Why is the strictness in life about money? I'm made to panic and unhappy only because I'm short of money then people can still live their life while I go through something bad like this? Why would they promote a bad experience or feelings when I can actually feel better in life?
My only hope I remembered is still selling my phone away, I really hope I can do this, I need to save images first on folder before selling my phone I guess, then hope I buy a $100 phone easily or a cheaper one even getting like $200 or around that amount to survive this tough life. Why am I becoming nothing in life? A normal phone in the end as I only use for blogging Facebook and TikTok? Why people just making me this way? I will just tell my mother c.d.c voucher finished and that's it? I really don't know what to do, I'm planning to spend at Supermarket their remaining $150 supermarket voucher for stuff like eggs, 5kg rice, then I think to trade $20 with my supermarket voucher that I still have left, then that's it I can still survive this life I guess. Having cash is easier to calculate my survival.
I remember during schizophrenic moments, writing "Survival" is considered as bad luck to me, then I became okay again about using this word, I used to use "vocabulary" instead of "word" because I got irritated hearing voices like "WORD!" like the African or Nickelodeon Shows would talk that way. My mind is being fixed now and I'm getting better. I'm sad my 1 day of not smoking I didn't recover anything about my memories. I only have good dreams kind of sleep but maybe it's from the "Mood Support Pills" as fact.
My O.T asked if my brother or father is working then I didn't get transport money too, it's sad they didn't give me money monthly but I didn't get transport money from O.T, it's unfair I have to go through a life like this, means their calculation is same like government that "if have .. of people earning at home, then not get money" something like that my imagination, or about the house size maybe. I don't know why they're doing this to me like making me understand sufferings in life instead, I don't feel stable at all about my health. Then I worry or in fear of being warded again because of smoking still exist and they maybe use smoking as a reason to create me warded again, it's like torture to me, then I start to not care about being the most patient person in the world as long as they will be nice to me. It's so bad that the small girl had effort to destroy my life and successful in causing break-ups, then my family and relatives like this to me not giving me money. I don't understand if families or relatives "are the same" perangai, why they have the heart while I don't have the heart to let a person experience suffering if it's my relatives or family? It's weird they just carrying on life without thinking of me.
I've wasted life for so many years not feeling anything good but just like a hot weather life for 16 years, then it's still already like Hell then they are being strict to someone that's feeling already in Hell?
No comments:
Post a Comment