So hungry

I fried egg twice and ate with kicap manis, my mother nowadays cook after 12p.m. I drank the only 100+ left and I have smoked a total of 4 cig. today. I fall asleep until around 12p.m just now and happy I slept, I'm thinking what I should do, anime doesn't energize me like in the past, today is Sunday so it means (S) is at home, wonder why she won't contact me until now even after reading this - 80244202. Haha. Made myself happy with the number I got, it's so easy to remember just reversing the 3 numbers and add 2. I'm Abit sad it's only 5/8 tomorrow, I wish it's 7/8 then no pain about money anymore. Why is it taking them so long to talk about money?

It looks real nobody talks to my parents about money, I'm still feeling unlucky in life. If not maybe I would imagine myself at City Hall today looking for O.C.B.C then hang around there wishing bump into (S), still waste my time if at wrong place because doctors and relatives won't tell me her job location.

I've learnt Iqra today but I think I will do it again later, there exist pain in my body that no one can magically remove like stories of Wali Allah capable of such thing, then psychic also not capable of such thing, I just rely on my medicine that actually maybe created anhedonia to me, I really don't feel good now.

I haven't know what anime to watch yet, I just feel like resting around until Monday to work, the end is so close but I feel not energetic, I wonder why it's like this. Tomorrow usually the day I would eat Chicken Chop Tomato Rice but then short of money I feel like I can't do the same this time.

I wonder when Bik Minah and Isah giving me money as they have ever planned to give me money last year, I just have to hang on with $46 left for 12 days, I really don't know if I can do it or end up just having no money at all on 2nd February. The happiness I feel is no longer high, because tomorrow is only 5/8 I guess, but still 1 day more that will be done, 1 month feels so long but I'm made to wait this long.

I feel uneasy at my heart area that drinking cold water maybe can create it to vanish, at my head too, I don't like having such feeling like something stuck there, I think it's called the catatonia maybe or could be the cause of anhedonia, I kept writing the same thing for many months already, the attention I wish to have doesn't seem to appear, my parents really not giving me money yet. Why does jobclub have to be free work for 1 month it's so long I have to endure?

I don't know what to do I feel like a child even at this age that needs to be given money, it's like I never grow up then suddenly 37.5 years old to live my life. Why did they let me waste time in my life feeling nothing and not give me money? Should I ask (S) for money? Why it's becoming self-damaging like that? Will my soulmate give me money? Why is life enjoyable on others while it's bad for me?