I still haven't check on animes to watch and I've tried reading Iqra twice just now, I hope to feel nicer like able to read Quran sooner but it's only been 18 days since I understood Iqra, I can read combinations that's easy, the circle and > type of writing on top I still not certain of it yet, I think if there's no > is a reading of the first sound of the Arabic character, I hope I'm right, I should be able to read the Quran already if I'm right I think, I wonder how or when I will start, I know I will be slow, so maybe I won't start just yet, I start to believe like praying and zikir like nothing kind of gain to my life, I wonder why doctors have no comment of such thing maybe because religion is a sensitive topic but doctor knows without zikir and solat even, it's cool to become knowing of others' life.
I remembered that time when I was saving money, I wanted to care a terrapin, then my interest became gone maybe due to anhedonia, I also remember maybe I have a terrapin that's under my neighbour's care that I bought and decided to let my neighbour care instead, it's weird my decision during schizophrenia is really like wasting money anyway, I don't know why they don't talk of it too.
I'm feeling really blurry and hopeful for a massage but I got the electronic head massager that's not so nice to feel, I wonder if (S) also got the same item and feel it sometimes, I know she copies what I eat etc. but I don't know what (W) and (A) does maybe they've been having nicer life than me since so long time ago, they really didn't give me a chance to know why is it like this? It's like my decision sometimes I feel, that the far apart must happen because I will truly feel in pain because of believing wrongly if we're too close. It's just my luck.
Just now I thought I saw the small girl then I just forget about it, really she feels no regret of doing what she had done, and maybe having a nicer life like others.
My life been writing the same about boring, luck, bad luck - I still feel something gone whenever I write something, the pain really can move off from my body sometimes like magic, then I start to believe matter of body movement maybe can heal ownself I wonder what kind of massage I need to feel recovered, the exercise I do doesn't feel nice after doing it on my legs anymore and I wonder why suddenly no feelings already, usually I feel nice after exercise, then I decreased the numbers of times doing it. I'm just aiming for like 9 or 10 pm then to sleep until tomorrow morning to do jobclub, I don't know why I feel not energized on finishing jobclub, maybe tomorrow I will feel better hopefully.
No one contacted me too today, and I still wonder what my friends doing, they maybe having money and enjoying every weekend not like me penniless kind of life that my family like don't care at all, giving medicine is the common sense then I wonder why money is not common sense to them too, it's harsh life like this and they being too hard on me that I feel the pressure of being a poor person, I wonder why they don't mind me feeling a poor life, when life can feel better they just choose that I feel this way about my life experiences. It's hard thinking of earning nothing and now I have a bad feeling at my head like a hard feeling, that I don't know how to get rid of, I wish I can just sleep all my pain away but I can't do such thing. My life feels so dull, like meaningless anymore, like waiting for (S) is so painful yet I still feel it while she's healthily working and coping nicely in life, it's so unfair if I can work I may enjoy myself without thinking of her anymore, like stuffing myself nice food many times, then I don't think of her it won't feel so heavy this life. Why is she so late in life? I really still think she's my soulmate that I will tell everything about me. It's hard thinking someone is soulmate then the person regard me as a stranger or a passerby of life only, I wonder why she's like that to me like feel nothing of me?
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