I don't know why it's like this, today I feel happier like time is faster, it's already 12pm, but it looks like I have posted a lot, the feeling is like that. I remembered about camping ideas when I just out of ward, I really hope camping happens in my family as I'm too bored, but I'm going to work soon 1 day, then my legs are getting healthier as I rest and not walk too much today, why do I became like a lazy person, everyone thats older than me are more hardworking in my views and nobody supporting me like understanding and knowing it's hard to work, people maybe don't believe me at all? I really hope I get to work at Popeyes by February, it's like entire January I will write this same matter, I remind myself of "Alan Wong" an I.M.H Patient that keeps repeating a statement, then I am maybe like that in writing, then became a boring man. He wanted to be a hacker and didn't know he been talking to top hacker in the world that forgot knowing how to hack because did not eat medications, hahaha. I'm shocked like I'm actually smarter than A level(that "Alan Wong"), in I.M.H he gave me his Steam account password then I got to play Counter-Strike again on computer, in the past my friend used my account and uses hax then my username got banned from Steam, it's really a bad feeling, I'm definitely not losing the account that "Alan Wong" gifted to me.
Not many people plays counter-strike nowadays except Thailand and Indonesian people, life became really different as people been using Steamdeck, Switch 2, ROG Ally X, Legion 2, etc. to play games and have more fun in life. I'm truly left out but catching up in June or soon if Doctors really gift me an Anbernic RG477V, it kept being in my mind, then a 38 years old soon receiving a present that's a game console? I really feel like a kid still the way they treat me, but maybe my age is really just a kid to them.
I really want to live my life, I wonder about what car my adopted father plans to buy me, then I want to buy a small lorry as fact to bring my nephews out on a ghost hunting exploration with a group name of "w.w.f.g"(we walk for ghost), I'm serious about it that I plan to make it popular like sfogs or s.p.i, I really want the trend of ghost hunting to happen again, people no longer believe in ghost like everyone knows how to create a U.F.O but didn't make it, or a Flying Ball too, people just don't create it causing it to become like an Alien talk. I really hope to know "Other Makhluk" that exist in this world that people never talk of then how come we believe of such things, like believing Jinn exist when we don't see it? Will psychic give us power to see "Other Souls"? Like a story 1 psychic can talk to the dead people, then people wonder if it's true.
I really hope psychics really join my ghost hunting group 1 day so we can know what the ghost wants, but if I write them down will people think that psychics are crazy? I really planning to know and decided to believe psychics all the time but doctor ever lied to me he "don't understand", and ask me questions, making me think like "why psychic but question me", it's weird, I really want to believe psychic all the way in my life, like nothing else can stop me from believing them anymore, even my own accidents of the past like thinking medicines causes the hotness in body, but hot thinking still happens if the medicine is close to the colour red.
I've read Iqra just now for some minutes, I plan to do it everyday until hopefully I remember all of it by my memory then able to read Arabic language smoothly by 38 years old, I'm just 37 and a half years old. I wonder if the happiness is real that I actually will recover by June this year, then why have story of "recovery in December", isn't it 2026? Or it happened in 2025 and I don't know? Means it's maybe 38 and a half then I recover? Won't I be happy at 38 years old as the story?
My life imagination now is: Work at Popeyes, Take Motorcycle License. I really want to end this waiting for life to become like I wished for since long time ago, I'm really slow and left behind in life, others became successful, even the people that dont look so rich at first when I was a kid still looks more successful than me, luckily they are all my relative if not I would be jealous that they receive support in life while I don't. My parents are strict on me maybe because of doctor telling not to give me money? Oh maybe the writing of money causes the decrease of viewers in my blog?
I think of being quiet now about license than asking my brother or asking money from my mother, maybe I should just wait and see if my aunts and doctors remember what they told me and hopefully it's not a dream mixed of memories of reality in my life. It's really like a dream because it's a happy feelings maybe.
I think again yesterday I think I dream of capturing a black non-venomous snake that's so strong, it's been my wish to have my own snake to care, I really think like I ever asked for doctor to get me able to care a small black snake before, I don't know if he remembers or maybe because I'm schizophrenic, or maybe he just treating me like a patient and not someone that he cares, he don't remind me what he care about me since baby, my memory didn't come back, even all these that I wrote, it's like a dream and an unknown reality, like "does the conversation happen, if not why do I hear it again"? In my memories voice replaying to hear it back. It's harsh like I really don't understand what true silence may mean, in the silence I actually hear back voices like replay of a recording and confused of the current situation of life when I did not take medications, now I take it becomes easier to understand that voices are just memories of the past that small girl tried to fool me many times or just conversation with someone in replay in my mind.
My 2nd sister ever said that she will try to make me happy at 37 years old instead of story of doctor - 38 years old I will be happy. I really hope it's true, I wonder when too that she's giving me money earlier in life, or really about buying a house? I'm excited if I will become strong enough to be an independent man, people around my age are so strong and able to work and being healthy while me a man still feel like a useless person, I wonder who will understand that I did not lie about this, they never support me by telling my parents then my parents support me with money instead? It's harsh my life, I kept thinking of side incomes, during my schizophrenic days I ever thought of selling many types of lighter to create such business, I really feel like if can approach someone and sell I would be luckier in life, in the past I thought of making like the 77th Street or Yellow Shop, now there another shop of other name thats the same like both I forgot. I really thinking of making a biz that people can buy just by pressing Yellow Bag at TikTok, it's really hard when I think about it, last time used to have dx.com that sell many lighters cheaply, now no more of such thing.
I realized I actually became to writing a lot more and longer when I don't walk around, right now I'm shaking my legs maybe the uneasiness is starting to be felt? It's 12.34p.m now means the Chicken Chop w/ Tomato Rice is no longer $5.90, like what am I going to eat? Why do I feel like I ate a lot. Is it really my psychics babies demanding food? I remember I would have 6 of them, even if doctor says 5, it's actually like 6, about 1 will be sick then die, maybe his story is all will be sick then die, from 5 become 4 etc. I assume. I really need to take care of my food to have healthy future babies. I hope my family support me a different way like maintaining niceness of food so their future nephews or grandchildren(that's from me) will be healthy.
I'm thinking of topping up my ez-link and really quit smoking just now, that February 12 is only talk of Budget and not receiving money yet, maybe it's June even, so harsh my life, nobody express as they care but maybe (S) is at most attention by my relatives but not my family, I wonder how to get (S) to become at total attention to my life and we live being in touch with each other, will I not be understanding that she have a niece to play with every weekend? Maybe it's really this? Will she write a letter to me 1 day? Why do I wait and she don't see it as something that's a long duration and even tiring? She accidentally created me tired?
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