There's really nothing new to do in life, I went down and smoke, my new actions like to go so far away just to smoke, it's bad my life became this way, then I throw the filter in an old cig. box, it's like this time going to be the end, to maintain my money at $125, and to not become poorer, can it even last for 1 month, I remember the 20th day of not smoking, the crave became crazy like the 10th day, suddenly wanting to smoke but the recovery in my heart happens like requiring a scratch in heart to feel better then it happens, like something scratch my heart to feel better, I really should try again, having 7 sticks left now, I still last much longer this time, it's maybe because I smoke until the end - the cotton part.
When I read Iqra just now, it felt so easy, it's like I can do it and memorize and read Arabic in 3 months if I do continuously, my target goal is 1 month but I really don't know if I can be successful about it, I memorize more than A I U, like sya syi syu to have 3 diamonds on top of it, something like that, easy ones like na ni nu, and harder ones like fa fi fu as have look-alike of it. I really hope I do well in memorizing Arab. I'm thinking how "Allah" is spelt like if once I can spell it myself(not memorizing it) I definitely will understand a lot already can read Arabic text. I really want to read the Quran, then I think of if reciting Surah that have "Qulwallahu Ahad" for 3 times, making reading entire Quran as the pahala, I truly want to read Quran normally. There's definitely like a feeling to recite it 3 times a day too but I wonder why sometimes it's heavy, is it catatonia, what's the jerky feelings in my body like a thud thud movement or stuck movement? Like alasan but I wonder why people don't care about it maybe it's not really pahala of reading entire Quran? Reading definitely more? I wonder why people say like that.
I look at 2025, I remember people get money in August, then December, then I wonder when before August? Am I really deadmeat about G.S.T/Assurance Package or Cost-of-Living Package? There's really none if the talk is on 12 of February, means I will definitely suffer about lacking of cig.? But bulan puasa is close anyway. Means I won't smoke a lot, maybe this month is the real month that I will quit cig. already?
I don't know sampai bila they will let my life be like this, looks permanent decision and the boredom or anger from remembering whispers and voices, maybe from the spikes that gotten me hearing memories as voices, just a lot of anger sometimes, but now maybe even because I ate belacan so I feel heated up.
June is still a long time, 5th is the day that's maybe a better day onwards or just a repetitive worry of having no money left, I hope I survive until 12 February then, like March April May June won't have any Package money as fact and it's becoming in August and December again to expect money. I really finished too fast maybe because of topping up my Simba card $50 causing this? I just thought I can last until March like $200/month, then it didn't happen like that sadly.
I'll just slack around the entire day as I don't walk around much, my legs won't feel in pain but I would be wanting to move around, I hope exercises will relief me and from the pain too whatever the reason, cold water at the heart really makes me feel better. It's like smoking during anger it makes the pain goes away.
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