I'm really controlling myself from smoking because I am short of money already, I wonder why I'm let to feel this way, people don't really care maybe that's why I have to feel this pressure in my heart, I wonder when my family will understand about the hot feelings that I feel when angry or being patient due to not getting what I want, I wonder why it's like that they don't mind me feeling hot, the medicine really decreases but matter of conversation or topic really makes me feel hot too, then it's ending of injection maybe, I just remembered because my injection is on 26th then the medicine is finishing inside my body that's why I start feeling hot again. I wonder why I'm let to feel this way, doctors didn't help like "on time" like I wish or story, but they maybe appeared "sometime" then I wonder if it's nicer like that, really they didn't appear about anhedonia too that I became loss of pleasure in my life, I feel the hotness can be evaded if family talk about it nicely, then I have to write "nicely" also as anticipate and hear voices of what angers me, I have to be patient many times but they just continue not talking about money.
I wonder what I should do, with around $27 left, it's either 2 box of cigs. or don't buy cigs. at all and they really letting me survive myself on purpose when they can make my life feel lighter then they didn't, I'm meant to feel suffering in life because of money I guess. I hope I can sleep through the days then just be fresher on 2nd February as I will get $18 on that day, it's so long to imagine $27 for 6 or 7 days is crazy, then 1 February is 1 more day, then 2nd February is "work first", I wonder why my soulmate didn't rescue like stories of a soulmate always being around, then in reality don't even know shes my soulmate or feel different then maybe only pity me abit and don't care about me as have no feelings for me, because she tunang with monkeyface. It's sad my life I understand girl's selfishness like not being helpful just being "I also same what" by experiencing the same as me, they work and have money, then if didn't hold a.t.m is not my fault too, they know they have more than me.
I remember M.M Lee Kuan Yew treated me like his grandchild as story then maybe giving me $1M 1 day, it's like real I will be getting money or it's like a dream, why I remember this dream late then if it's not real? Then I really didn't need (S) at all in the first place. I definitely made to feel of serving the government more because of the money-giving stories in my mind. Then it's bad because he died already then like waiting for a dead person's money, I really need to feel something more happy like something that stabilize my profile as a good man instead, I know I remember like P.M Lawrence Wong reads my blog, S.M Zaqy Mohamad also. Story in my mind is that they treat me like Family members. I'm really happy feeling special like that, means they remember I have schizophrenia more than me, I really ever forgot I have schizophrenia and during N.S I thought it's my first time diagnosed with schizophrenia, then I remember in B.M.C Academy I ever schizophrenia during my moment of life with (W), then I remember since primary school I schizophrenia being the youngest in ward, then I remember maybe since baby I schizophrenia because I kept forgetting whose my parents or family. Definition of word makes me remember my family as my family like calling my mother "Mak" and my father "Baba", then just being smart like that I remember them as family most of the time, but during my 16 years is like yearly experiencing a moment I don't remember them as my family, it's so hard my life have to keep suffering this way, I don't feel like they're with me but when understand schizophrenia, medicine is required and they paid for the medicines means they truly are with me to recover and cure me, even if the common sense is "paying for medicine" and they sadly don't give me money, medicines are expensive like $313+ per visit to doctor and $200+ when I go for "Injection only", so their caring way is supporting me that I have medicine then isn't it money can become another medicine that we can buy own happiness(stuff)? Why it's not common sense to speak of giving me money?
I'm so angry at everyone that don't care about me. My short writings having 15 readers tells I have attention still, I wonder what it means the if I remember "want to 5(Salam)(talk about it)" then it's just knowing wants then I don't know or not sure if my uncle really is the active readers all the time.
They didn't story to me like I loss memory a couple of times since primary school but pretend I loss memory since I fall down and requiring my head to be stitched, they really tell a different story about my life journey and experience, I really don't know what to do they limiting stories to tell me as family.
Assuming number 8 readers means spectacle or someone is looking, then what is 7, is it like a gun or happiness(highest heaven)? What does 9 means is it like a birthday whistle :9 like blowing like a straw that it rolls straight and curls back? This proves I'm just mixing my memories and thinking I'm not psychic or actually being told it's not a dream long time ago to remember this way.
I wonder why doctor told me all that about money then I wonder how I loss my memory, I also remember that 1 day I will be in touch with the LycheeCo Bedak Sejuk owner "Alya", said by doctor, it's weird how can it happen and what would we be talking about? She's just a funny person then if imagine a love story she's just too young. I wonder when I will truly recover and know which is real memory and which is a dream memory. I remember a dream that I punched Anaqi then rushed out of room when I wake up to see if he's okay. Another dream is that I "keep taking out cancer cells out of people's body" I wonder what it means too.
Talking about money became like this writing, then in the end I still have only $27 in my wallet to last until 2nd February as I will get $18 on that day, haha so happy about it. I really hope I can survive.
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