Life's so hard I remember again it's like I have been schizophrenic since primary days or younger, I really want to remember everything, but I'm 37.5 years old now and my only family don't support me but consider medication as the support, life's so boring on medication, no friendships talk with anyone for so long. I wonder when I can become knowing about future like doctors, I really want to become a Wali Allah and know a lot too.
My head is not a nice feeling today, then I think of tomorrow as Sunday, then I only have 2 more days until jobclub, it feels so long today, wonder why everyday is like this.
I don't even have anyone to accompany my life when I'm in pain, every year it was a repeat occurrences of memories then this year hopefully my last, why do I keep experiencing the same dream everytime I take medication? I wonder what I should do. I hope I don't get bored of Iqra, I feel angry Abit about money and I don't feel healthy.
I wonder how I will live my life in future, still thinking of (S), wondering what happen about (W) and (A) that doctors actually don't really mind such thing happened between me and them, it's boring life like I can never have life again because I have no one that love me.
I can't remember when I stopped taking medication last year but I think I kept taking until I was hired by Popeyes but doctor said I can't work because no medicines(I over ate the amount needed during jobclub), what a waste I thought I can be stable worker already. It's during this moment I totally have stopped taking my medications I think. Life with schizophrenia is so hard.
I think if I remember my cousin is the fastest recovery from schizophrenia he took medication without knowing he have schizophrenia, I just remembered, he's so lucky always remembering the heat is the cause of eating medicines without knowing he's schizophrenic.
I'm thinking of what I'm going to do tomorrow, like why my mother is okay everyday just Solat, and buku Doa just like that like no life, then my father works for 6 days a week for 12 hours, I wonder why they just don't quit work and try let me enjoy my life like giving me money, I really lost my 16 years just like that and nobody helping me anything yet. I don't remember a lot in my life of what happened.
I'm trying to have nice memories of knowing future by psychic but the happiness is only awhile, the moment is yet to appear, I'm so lonely I know my family not helping about (S) makes me angry a lot in my heart and I can only write it here, I don't know why they're not helping me get (S).
Life without enjoyment really sucks, there's no more gaming, android games are boring and I have nothing to do daily in life. If I quit smoking I wonder what I would be doing, reading doa iftitah to memorize then thinking of Solat, I really feel like it's very damaging to my health, Solat makes body feels hot too, if my family all Solat, they actually have nothing to worry about but yesterday Maghrib my mother told me to Solat, it's such an angry feeling, I wonder why she just won't let me feel the peace.
It's not nice feeling daily, I didn't recover yet even after 6 months like I believe I would remember a lot already, but I did not. It's such a waste of time daily to remember something, head pain and my left arm pain, I became like a weakling. My life is definitely ruined this time they choose to not understand a smoker's feelings. I really don't know why they're like this.
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