Not energetic for anime like the past

I really want to watch anime but I think anhedonia created me like not wanting to do it, I feel that it's bad if I don't have anything to do, if just learning Iqra then I have skipped Mandarin language already, what should I learn? Should I still be ambitious about scoring high and think I can become somebody then learn Arabic language? I really have no need for communication in Arab anyway, but what if I really will go for myself an Islamic Education then I may need it still?

But I think it's okay as I want to become a Psychologist, then doctors really know multiple language then it's okay if I learn Arab too? Our journey in life is towards Imam Mahdi anyway, it's okay to understand his language?

Now is 1p.m+ then I didn't buy Chicken Chop with Tomato Rice as I plan to save the $20 c.d.c voucher left for food on Monday and Thursday as my mother don't cook during this 2 days and only cook late because she puasa.

Doctors didn't energize me about if my life can become normal again, like I will puasa in Ramadan? Is it really bad if Puasa but don't Solat? Is it really become nothing if don't Solat? I wonder why it's hard for me to do something so easy for everyone even old people to do it, am I really different among my family and relative? Will they actually be angry about it for a long time. It's like I've been focused about it instead while others actually don't mind about it.

I think to browse through anime after writing this, to see what else I can watch to feel different in life, I've really watched Boruto I guess then I kept watching the same episode multiple times. It's really hard the self-damage really removes all my notes and I became don't know of where I stop watching anime episodes.

Tomorrow is Sunday then Monday my jobclub again, I really want to watch anime on Bus kind of life to feel a different feeling, to be like normal people that watch shows inside Bus, but there's a boring feeling that appear and its like making me sick of feel sick.

I realize if I didn't smoke I became like a boring writer, then trying to remember life again like some sadness will happen, it's been since morning. I hope I'm finally successful because it's been too many times, but I skip days of smoking multiple times anyway, I definitely will be successful about this. Why can't I gain anyone to chat with on WhatsApp, why no friends bug my Facebook to chat with me on WhatsApp? Maybe they fear I ask them for money? Then I remember everyone have Saturday and Sunday as free time in their life, then actually maybe I'm not so important as friends that's why no contact happened, I realize that people don't really pity me if I have schizophrenia they treat it as a normal healthy feeling that still exist, they don't pity me I don't feel good daily in my life, why are people made to treat me like that if it's a guide from doctors? What will doctors achieve if they really treating me this way? Will I become independent soon? Why is it so hard to become independent? I imagine myself as having hours daily then feeling not good most of the time then nobody pity me at all. My mother became a late cook usually after 12pm nowadays then I just have to wait I guess, it's really different.

I wonder how to ask my father or mother for money, they're strict I think the reason is really doctors thinking I will become a mastermind, or even me wasting money in their mind? I really have no hope at all to feel comforted about money, February is a long time to go to wait for the Budget Talk by P.M Lawrence Wong, then to assume will get money in August and December again might happen anyway, then it still means there's no Money from February Until August. It's really hard then they are like this. I think like why many people takes me as their adopted son, is it because I kept losing memories about who are my parents when I was a baby? Then psychic knew first, whenever I lost memory my eyes became all-white and rolled upwards, I think they pity me is why? I wonder why it's like that to have schizophrenia of all people that it's got to be me.

I remember doctor saying my family will get schizophrenia then I wonder what will they do? Will they become emotional too? Will they become thinking like why I did not get money for so long and talk to me about it 1 day? I hope the family/relative forum I plan to create have a writing why people are strict on me about money and it's hard to get money, I have been waiting for so long then I only remember like a dream then it's maybe "after jobclub 8/8 is done then will get money" from my relative, why do they wait for jobclub? Why can't it be earlier? Panic is not a good feeling.