Remembering Iqra and Relationship

I feel im doing better in this, I remembering like sha shi shu and dha dhi dhu tha thi thu and zha zhi zhu finally, the most difficult is this 4. I think I remember by S D and T Z like that, then now I can remember the characters, I think last year I was doing the same about Iqra then means I became schizophrenic around February I think, I think I gave up last year because I loss memory of what I have learnt to memorize, maybe it's because of skipping medicine and taking too much per day.

In February nurse won't visit anymore then I hope I would earn a lot from Popeyes and become a normal person first. I really want to become a Psychologist too like my doctors I don't know if they see me as too ambitious of not capable as fact, but they let me be being ambitious. I scored so easily in the past making me having this confidence of becoming a doctor even.

I really feel stronger this time I hope I finish this month even if it's last day of jobclub then I get job at Popeyes, life's really too hard and I feel like I can live my life.

My plan of remembering Moss Code still not done yet too, I remember I have it written in Notes and hopefully I start memorizing it again after ive done with Iqra.

I am still wanting to do the phone sale but I remember in M.R.T (S) told me not to sell phone because of important data, I really wonder what I should do then, like why I can become difficult in life and people not care about it. The moments to imagine $60 for 15 days is already hard because I survive through having C.D.C Voucher, by right I should be dead already, I remember in January I thought I'm deadmeat already then I managed to survive until half month. I'm really happy I'm reaching the earning moment in jobclub I hope they hire faster not like last year at the last minute of doing 8/8 then doctor appeared to tell me I got a job at Popeyes.

It's bad last year I took too much medicine then I finish the medicine so I can't do work at all. Doctor really don't let me work because I have no medicine.

I'm really hoping my recovery happens this month, at least I feel something nice before it's truly 38 years old I recover, I really just in a waiting game for my health because whatever I do is just schedules and not pattern of improvement but days of consuming medicine causing the improvement by days instead of like an exercise of training. It's hard to imagine ownself as "days to recover" because 1 day is 24hrs then I wait daily like this. Then my family just wait by days too instead of trying to give me nice food maybe, but I really get Burger Ramly from my parents yesterday, I feel like a lot of Mayonnaise Vegetable like buying Chicken Chop getting the Veges I can recover faster, but I guess it's a waste of money whatever my plans? I really don't know how people can hang on that I just take medicine daily without talking of schizophrenia but treating it as a normal sickness. Like they don't wonder why I have physical pain too, like they don't care about it causes me to feel loss of pleasure - the anhedonia. I wonder how to get rid of anhedonia and obtain normal niceness in my life. It's like because of anhedonia I don't feel pleasured by the spike can make me think the spike is over already also, then it's still inside body making me feel unhealthy.

Months passed by and it's January now, I remember June I was in I.M.H, then this year the goal is not to enter I.M.H again in June, time really flies fast that I worry how nobody help me get (S) to think about me like understanding that my love been real then I can't do anything about it but just everything about love I would not like if I lose her at all. I don't know why I became this kind of man-in-love. In the past I recovered from it due to existence of (W) and (A) in my life then they're gone and I don't know what to do about it, somehow my plan is like both wanting and feeling the peace is really if we are distant from each other, then I lose spending time with them. I'm so unlucky I have these feelings in my heart, it's wanting "apart and together" at the same time due to being protective that I have schizophrenia and may say more nonsense stuff then together is due to wanting them still, it's just the small girl got lucky it's me if its other girls or guys maybe she would have been punched or injured. I'm so unlucky to know the small girl in my life, I maybe would have felt a better happiness as my daily life accompanied by (W) or (A). I really don't know how to recover from the pain, zikir really didn't really help me then why people hope for me to believe then it's bad if I don't believe of it too.

It's 10.05A.M now I wonder what time I would write again, but it's only been 2 or 1.5hrs since I last written my blog. It's better to feel healthy from writing then I hope I'm not really an attention-seeker type of person. People just need to understand the pain as something that can be felt and called as "pain".

When they're not married I wonder if they're still mine, then how can I have many girls at once, what is going to happen? Are they really going to keep ignoring me or forgetting about me then I just live my life like this taking medicines? I remember they will get schizophrenia also then it's something that makes them understand me better in life. I hope they understand me without experiencing schizophrenia but then life's really like that.