Painful Boredom

It's really boring, I ate chicken chop set just now, with the fries and bread, it's nice I use C.D.C voucher that's $5. I still feel bad how if I don't quit smoking I will feel unhealthy maybe. I only left around 17 short sticks cig. and hope this is my last box. I remember the way to quit cig. is actually even if 1 per day doesn't mean the last day not needing to smoke only 1 more, something like that. But I know they all mean "can quit smoking just like that" like how when been warded and have no cig. in hospital nobody smokes.

I feel my left eye in pain is ruining my happiness of health for tomorrow, I kept feeling unhealthy or not strong because of it, I really hope I don't stomach ache tomorrow and going to be smooth for the cleaning training.

I'm not bringing cig. tomorrow I think, it's 3 hours of no cig. too, I definitely planned to quit just now to not open the 1 box at all then it didn't happen. I planned to quit so many times then it didn't happen.

I really praying that the Popeyes would call me up tomorrow for the job during training and hope the painful stress just ends, I really feel like life's hard then Popeyes would be the cause of happiness in my life.

I understand life as no one is supporting me unless I take medications and work, and my family and relatives are serious about it, I wonder why everyone doesn't pity me about catatonia or anhedonia to just give me something anyway, what are they calculating in my life?

I wonder if I will make any friends tomorrow from cleaning-training to keep in touch and update life, it's too boring, I hope I see people of my ward at there too as fact, then have someone to keep in touch like update if recovery can happen sooner. I still have 0.5 years for recovery to happen hopefully, it's so long I still remember like this ever happened in my life, my mother went to Johor Kampung, Jawa, Selangor then K.L, she did the same last year I think then it happened again. I'm just waiting for the day I will be happy at 38 years old hopefully its really soon, as doctors said it like that, they seem like not really real about supporting and helping me with games and anhedonia too but I dont know what they actually may be doing something that I don't know to help me, I really hope I recover from anhedonia so I can play games peacefully, it makes the days pass quickly and I haven't played games for so long. Its hard to play games if recovering.

I'm still thinking like if doctor is real the end is 5th January 2026 or it's just the voices into my head telling me like that? I really want the silence to end and be happier in life but 29 December doctor was still the same being a doctor to me and not telling me information about life. I don't know why they are like that to me sometimes nice sometimes just being a boring doctor.

I'm tired of having nothing to do, writing makes like 20 mins goes away from my life then I have to walk around again feeling nothing in life, I really need to do something in my life then I don't have any idea or plan.

The attention I get for my family to help me is not known if it exist, it's like only my relatives reading me and not my family, I don't know why too, I will try ask my mother for money again, she said to only give for medicine is quite an anger-making that I have nothing for the rest of the year, I really hope they give me money without me asking, I'm so stress in life and they just worry about cig. instead of worrying that I may be in pain, it's so stressful my life then I have nothing to be happy about, just waiting and waiting, I think I'm going to read Iqra again as time is too long for me. I wonder what people imagine me doing at home everyday doing nothing and don't pity me about it. I don't have work, I feel unstable and I panic a lot, then nobody help ease me at all.