I need to have the energy of happiness when watching anime to feel the pleasure then it will be fun concentration, I really lost my pleasure and I was not even energized to try watching 58 first to see if it's really 57, it just feels like it.
I wonder why doctor didn't help me on the spot when I self-damage like deleting anime list, using pervert nick on alamakchat then using real identity(Anas_Qai) then got myself banned with a message of a pervert nick, people definitely can find me on Facebook and see I ever used a pervert nick to self-damage, I wonder why the anger is like that, the anger from "memory loss" really makes me mad and crazy. I wonder I have ruined my name in front of how many people's eyes knowing it, I really should be deadmeat if it's I.r.c, alamakchat just don't have a kind of users like i.r.c that people like record and talk about, like a gossip or creating topic of a person.
I really don't feel the energy to watch anime too, it's sad I have to feel this pain, I hope it's 57 it just feels like episode 57, I really want to catch-up my life. I hope anhedonia just magically removed from me then I have known what I should spend time on, this is bad like I feel like a slowpoke.
I haven't asked my brother when I will be taking car license but I'm suspecting around February or March because bulan puasa if don't eat how to take license anyway. I know doctor ever said will contact him, I assume doctor haven't contacted yet, maybe he feel it's not the time yet if doctor haven't contacted yet.
I wonder how I can save up my money, I'm left $72 like that only, money finishes fast, I don't know if I can last until end of January too, because February I will start earning $18/day and it's the 2nd of February onwards, luckily it's 2nd, means I need to save this $72 until 2nd February, it's harsh I imagining the earthquake in my head and outline of human figure that's crystal colour and black human figure dancing, I wonder why schizophrenia makes eyes like this, I think doctor feel I will be fine so is why he never contacted me like words of support.
I think doctor ever early celebration anyway that I will be taking my medicines correctly this year, then it means doctor knew I will recover this year for real, 39 is the year I will be taking O level or whatever shared paper of N level, I hope I'm not stupid and doctor is true that I will be scoring all distinction(that's what doctor said) then became famous on television, funny hope, because I really am angry that (S) have gone way ahead of me until degree then it's like I'm stupid instead of schizophrenia as main story of my life, I don't know why I have to suffer or be in difficulty like this, like people actually can say I am stupid and they still will look truthful too, I'm sad my scores became like nothing for my N level. I should've scored all distinction since the start to end any bad views or talks about me. I'm just lucky I'm a hacker being smart in something, but I don't know why my parents won't support me like sending me to do computer courses, I really don't know why support don't exist since young. They're too strict on me I wanted to finish in private diploma even in the past, but didn't get to do it. Everyone else in my life that looks not richer than my father, supported their son even until private school but my father just support N level as private school, it's sad like this, from N level I can take Computer Certificate in the past then from there can take Diploma in the past but I missed the chance. If I'm prodigy in computer why my parents waste my time of my life?
I remembered doctor saying my lineage is prodigy nurses then it means everyone will be naturally good in nurse, I wonder if true too, Dina scored I don't know good or not in school but she's doing fine in her course maintaining her standard of being in the course. Maybe after she's completed her school then her scores will proves doctor's words? I really don't know too.
No comments:
Post a Comment