Sad repeats

Like dark vision due to walking too much, I wonder why it's like that for me while people speak of walking a lot as something healthy to do, it's really weird mine is really the opposite. This means I feel bad the entire day until night time.

If I just quit smoking I will give cig. to my brother i think, I can't handle life thinking of (S) then need to smoke "then if quit smoking then doctor will help", it's too stressful just now morning I feel the pressure of having no cig., I really don't know what to do, like just giving away this cig. is the best decision then the comfort of colder temperature from cigs.?

I remember my father plan to get me warded if I smoke again, I really don't know what makes him believe smoking to be the cause of schizophrenia, when I did not smoke I was warded too during B.M.C Academy, then I started smoking again because I knew I would definitely score low because of being warded in hospital missing a lot of classes. Doctor didn't mind that I start scoring low at all it's weird that education don't really seem important to them, doctor just want me to take medicine.

I remember somewhere doctor ever told me that I will take A Level at 40 years old I think, doesn't this mean I will really take O level at 39 years old next year? I would be working at Popeyes if story of doctor, then scoring so high, Popeye will send me to America? Something like this, or another story is Soldier Job will send me to America. I really don't know doctor didn't make it clear to me, it feels weird like actually doctor decided not to tell me anything, I wonder why its like that. So Popeyes is from America I think, means I actually love American Food, because they're my favourite chicken.

Life's hard then I don't think my family really telling me when I will get money as they don't talk of it, I think it's too harsh a schizophrenic to experience like a normal person's treatment, it's too stressful to be having no money in mind thinking of last year as "August" is the batch of Assurance Package money, I'm so late in life to be successful then they don't give me money. I wonder why my life's luck like this bad too.

Why doctor won't just help me even if I'm a smoker? Doctor say I will become a special smoker anyway that will quit cig. immediately then he deciding my life by cigs. I really can't do anything that someone capable of helping decided to be this way, then (S) is actually uncontactable in my eyes or life, as doctors and relatives are not the messenger of my reach, I really don't know her responses or reactions, I feel like a dumb man waiting for her to respond and believing doctor even if it's 38 or 40 years old then getting (S), it's so long and my age is so old. Doctor ever said 38-41 years old I would have saved $50K from working then what I would be working as? Is story of Soldier Job and Hacker Job as real? Is it really going to happen? Why doctors not talking about it at all?