Tomorrow Jobclub

It feels fast, there's another man with me that his jobclub is Monday and Wednesday, then now is Wednesday 12.03PM I imagine he finished his 2 weekly earlier and finished at 11am again, so lucky his life 2 weekly done early like that, I really feel happy tomorrow is my 2nd this week then it's done waiting for next week then 2 times again, then another 2 times like that it's over. Popeyes maybe hire at 4th week the 2nd time, so I really have no idea if it can be faster it would still be nice for me.

My mother cook sambal boiled egg it's so nice i ate twice then I ate pisang goreng from Aunty Farah that visit today, it's nice combo of food today, I've been wanting to eat goreng Pisang or jemput2 since my mother gone to Jawa then finally, 1 bought from bazaar instead but it's satisfying.

I wonder like what would my baby looks like I imagine (S)'s face and me combined then I imagine myself when a baby I was very plump, then maybe they would definitely be so cute, my future babies definitely ate nice today I assume they eat from what I ate, I'm reaching 38 years old this year then still praying I would marry (S) this year, or at least have children before 40 years old, meaning marry her next year is my last wait? Will there be a last wait for (S) I wonder, I've been wanting her since kindergarten days 6 years old, 37.5 now, it's 31.5years long wanting to be her lover, I really hope I get her some time this year, as my happiness is 38 years old, I hope she's really my happiness, I don't know how to turn back time and recover what I've lost in life due to the small girl, then I think only (S) understands I have schizophrenia, while (A) maybe hurts how the break-up happens but she really let it happen and didn't hang on, even if doctor ever said I will be in touch with her at 39 years old, I really don't know if she actually love me anymore, I really hope everything happens faster than doctor's speed, but doctors are psychic I really can't do anything about wanting something faster in life. I remember doctor saying if quit smoking then he will help to make things faster, I really wanted to quit when I remember this, I really hope he's true as my goal this time definitely to quit smoking and not waste my money. I dont know if I can really last until August or June(if my mother will give money when it's 1 year on medication) this $100+ is hard, I really hope things become easier for me like receiving money as a gift tomorrow, the moment of panic is the moment I start spending the $100 I guess. I really don't want to buy cigs. but doctor didn't help me like nicotine patch even or nicotine inhaler, I think he feel I don't need them at all, or as a psychic he Knows that I don't need those stuff?

I think tomorrow is another special day that I hope lead me into a better strength for a better life, it's really close to 10 January then it's 1/3 of this month done, I really hope doctors really remember about RG477V like how he told me about it, somehow in my memory I will receive it as a present from them I think. I hope by February onwards I survive with support of my family about money, it's really long if have to have nothing in life until August for the 2nd time money from government.

I check my C.P.F then I'm shocked have money inside, it's so little only $3000+ then I imagine myself as have no C.P.F all these years, I haven't worked for so long too. It's like remembering my P.S.E.A Plan been since B.M.C Academy then I didn't use them up at all, I'm so old now then to imagine O level like a stupid person, I still plan to try being somebody in life as it's caused by schizophrenia all my bad scores and failures in life, I really knew it that I would be like a failure until 38 years old then I'm still shocked about it, I really live until 37.5 years old now and memory recovery is quite slow too, I wonder if smoking is really the cause, the pressure of wanting doctor's help is really by quitting smoking, I definitely choose to quit as want his help then, I really hope this time is truly the last box then, but tomorrow maybe then I will finish it, I can last purple box for 2 days then green box sometimes 3 days, it's weird the coldness really support my body and health and I feel like requiring it in my body to be stronger.

I hope I remember doctor saying doctor will help if quit cig. - about (S), then I hope (S) somehow contact me before doctors' estimation or knowledge because I really miss my life and just still want to be with (S) even if I haven't spent my life normally for so many years.

I think if (S) knows I have ever in touch with her since baby days, maybe feel the same as me, then will be with me, but maybe doctors won't show baby videos to prevent "baby sick if have baby" then I think it's too early to think that we would have babies, because me and (S) communication are not special yet, (S) maybe haven't fall in love with me for such thing to happen. It's weird doctors' answer to be like that.

Tomorrow is the end of the 1st week of Jobclub and I'm happy calculating this way, it feels faster and I hope I will be stronger in the days to come especially to quit cig. so doctor help me about (S). It's really a panic feeling when I remember my niece is 20 years old, instead of 3 years old the last time I remember her, other than remembering she goes to school sending and taking her from school, time really flies fast and I've been living in woodlands more than 15 years long. I really want to discover what can comfort me in life, life's really difficult then no doctors contact me to support me, making me feel like independent "even if" schizophrenia. It's harsh like this.