It's weird my Simba data haven't reset, maybe it's tomorrow.
I'm 153 Days out of ward on medications and total of 201 days on medications.
This morning I woke up and bought epok2 after shower, so I left $70+ only, I really don't know how to survive anymore but I really will go through a difficult period like having no money at all. I didn't expect G.S.T/Assurance Package to be only August and December, it was different in the past years then I didn't remember it's like that somehow because of schizophrenia, if not I would've planned better for my life to be nicer feelings.
My Simba data is 613mb/400gb I think the real reset is every 15th then I guess, it makes me happier this way. I wonder what people do usually at home - just Solat, Zikir, Cook, Wash Clothes really the true life is really only like this? The imagination of life I have is too much - Going out to Shopping Malls, eating new food that comes out like McDonalds have new meal, then I missed a lot for 16 years already then I can't catch-up such kind of life. Explorations to places like Esplanade, taking pictures then uploading on Facebook. I really need a job to cut this pain away, it's scary how every morning I imagine hours of boredom I don't know how to get rid of the fear into comfort, I don't know why I feel like this while others are very comfortable in their life. I think to focus on plans like staying at home to save money then but I require fun and I forgotten about Anbernic RG477V that I spent my money until it's $71 at that time, I wonder why I feel so poor in life, everyone else earning money without a problem about health but I'm in a discipline like a healthy person not given money at all. Life's really hard and I really have to experience this difficulty.
After tomorrow I would feel nicer about my life because 4/8 of Jobclub will be done, then when it's 5/8 next week it feels like the poor moment is ending in my life and I would start earning money. I really just have to finish January, then every Jobclub is earning $18, I hope I don't feel like spending anymore, or if I can somehow discover a way to sleep from 7a.m to 12p.m at least I will have a nicer life or days not too dull kind of stretch. The worry and pain is real but I have to go through this because of this discipline method. I really hope I don't spend on cig. anymore but my mind became wild thinking of cig. this morning, it's like an eye-spinner kind of mind rush that I am in high level stress thinking of cig. it's weird this kind of stress and no contacts doctors still not helping me talk to my parents about giving me money, it's impossible that I can become a mastermind when I have nobody to contact about drugs, I also don't want to be jailed causing me not becoming a mastermind.
I totally feel at loss about life's pleasures like anime, I totally don't feel the happiness rush anymore, my mother been on marathon of ceramah videos none stop for months and her survival from boredom is really like that, it's different if she have anhedonia even her happiness like ceramah videos won't make her feel happy watching it then she would feel bored.
I remember if I have money maybe it's not important because I would still spend on buying small food and I would keep eating only, my left arm pain worries me about the kind of exercise I can do and I just tried exercising sideways legs lifting yesterday despite the weight I would put on my left, because the pleasure of exercise exist after doing it, my muscles would feel relaxed and I would be pleasure of rest. I really want to enjoy exercises but the pain from injection really in the way of my happiness.
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