It feels dull, today my father at home as not working, then we've gone to eat at Al-Ameen for breakfast then I'm at home thinking of what to do, I look at videos of RG477V got me excited again, then I think of buying Nintendo Switch 2 and R4 Game card, I wonder when are such things going to happen in my life, it's been so long since I have gamed in life, I want to be normal like others, people that look poor will have such things in life while I live in 2 storey don't have such thing in life, it's harsh that I have to understand people first before seeing myself as schizophrenic that need to be understood, why are people like this to me? Maybe I scored high in N level causing like requirement to understand others more first before myself?
I'm thinking of what to do in life, life is so boring, only Iqra is my daily energy now to live my life, then I don't know what others are doing, everyone live life maybe reading newspaper, while I don't, my family no longer buy newspapers nowadays too, I watch TikTok for hours and even Facebook videos, then I think if people do think of me they are thinking of my schedules at jobclub too, it's like that the life fix to experience only like this in life? People don't think about my death if schizophrenia then limited enjoyment of games, then what if I suddenly die? My parents also don't think about death they're 70+ yrs old, and I feel a shock how I pass by 16 years and my parents suddenly more than 70 years old, life's suddenly too fast and like limited time but doctors ever said my parents will die at 100+ years old so I don't think it's a problem. It's unfair like this, if I were to believe doctor, then did not pity my parents thats 70+ years old already, as they have more than 30 years to live still, I think my family knows something that's unfair treatment to me something like that. They don't care that I lose experiences in my life.
I'm really trying to survive. I remember that I'm a high scorer in N level that I start to believe stories like I can become President of Singapore 1 day, then I will do Islamic Studies and become high scorers and become a famous Muslim. I remember stories of doctors that I will score so high that I appear on television, then after all the stories, I'm still unsure if I'm really that smart in the end. Soldier job and Popeyes job like clashes of the same timing to make sense that I earn $50k by 38 to 41 years old, but what would make me earn so much, I remember doctor saying it's about earning, or saving from money being given to me, how can doctor know such thing so much as psychic, I remember he ever told me who is going to become Minister and President of Singapore too, then I start to be confused and believe him that will I score all 100/100 in O and A level 1 day? Then causing me match what hacker means, like definition of a Hacker is a Genius or Prodigy.
I don't know why my family do not worry that I have no money while living in a 2 storey home, like they don't care what I may be judged as someone useless or hopeless, they still strict about money to me, I now have last stick of cig. left then I think it's my last my entire life until the day I become a special smoker? I hope it's like that, can I survive Saturday and Sunday without cig.? Can I become like my granny that don't need cig. at all in her life? I think if not smoking we do save a lot then I wonder why my brother don't mind smoking even if will spend a lot, I too became "what if he don't smoke and give me his cig. money" won't I become rich instead? 1 month can be $15*10 = $150? If 3 days and $15 cig. box. He smoke Winston. It's about $14+ to $15 I think. But nvm he's sponsoring for my car license anyway.
Why do someone that scores high like me smokes and it actually doesn't matter like it don't make me stupid too? When I scored 100/100 I didn't smoke at all, but when I smoke I am still top scorer in class in B.M.C academy, I think smoking is not the cause of stupidity, but maybe it's stupid if spend so much? I remember something like it will become Makruh again about smoking and no longer Haram in Islam 1 day, then I'm not sure if psychic is around, such talks or level of answers can appear then it becomes satisfying to hear if a smoker, means like will define it as not Haram in the end.
I wonder when doctors will give me psychic answers again, my life like nothing kind of fun then they still not giving me answers.
I followed a lot of Mathematics Formula or Shortcut in calculation in Facebook to refresh my memory of calculating answers then I feel stronger and it seems real I will be high score in O level 1 day, as I refreshing my mind again.
I remember I'm not the only difficult person in life but my neighbour too doesn't receive money even if live in 2 storey house, but then he got girlfriend, while I spend on cig., he maybe spend on girlfriend hahaha, then our difficulties are the same anyway, I remember like he will work Popeyes too 1 day and become manager, I remember from doctor that was in mood to tell of psychic answers.
I really enjoy informations from doctors if they decide to tell me psychic answers and I really hope to remember everything. I remember things like my neighbour going to sponsor me motorcycle license and a motorbike(I think K.R) as treating me like a family, like my "Abg Cha" is old and my nephew Jafni is 8 years younger than me only, like gap of me and my 1st sister, because they're older cousin, so my neighbour treats me something like that I think so the sponsor of license talk existed after that.
When I think of neighbour, I will think of the small girl, it's weird someone that want to harm me really like it if I take medications, it means she doesn't really want to injure me in life maybe, because someone that don't want me to take medicines can see the loss in life if I don't take and will really enjoy it. If I don't take medications I will less stable, feel hot easily and angry a lot.
Today Simba notified me about deducting the $10 to renew my plan it causes me to be happy again as my life really start to feel it exist when I have Simba line, it's due to the plan being so nice to users and no other lines competing it, Simba like become popular immediately from their offers.
Just now my father talk of C.P.F then I only have $3K I told my dad, then he said $20K can buy a 1 room house, then I thought he ever said wanted to buy me a house but he talking like this instead, this maybe causes the anger or hot feelings in my heart to live again, I don't know why they like doing such thing to me, it's just my luck. I thought my C.P.F is actually $0 because I don't work, then I remember I have Insurance that deduct $30 yearly from C.P.F, then I wonder if schizophrenia can get insurance, then I guess not because nobody claimed anything from schizophrenia, life's hard to be a smoker and someone depending on family. I really just have $95 left, then thinking of $40 for Simba to last until August, leaving $55 left, as my only money left this year. It is surprising how my family is normal that I have no money, that they don't care I don't have money, it's weird I think. I definitely won't treat my children like they treated me, I would give my children alot of money, then when I think again, I can't even work or earn? I'm not healthy for so long yet they are strict to me.
The readers in my blog decreases making me feel like I only have 1 reader that refreshes multiple times, I really don't know who is always first, I really hope doctors are the main readers though. But doctors talk to me the same whenever I meet him, I really don't know who cares about me, I just have to wait until June to experience this difficulty until I get a job by jobclub, it's maybe too early or my left arm in pain anyway as the reason of "it's okay to not work". I don't know why M.S.F can't support me like giving money monthly like stories of other patients that gets money from them, $200/mth I think. If government don't judge me as someone poor, I definitely won't receive any help, then if my family won't help me, who else would help me? Their mind is always about cig. I think, I really don't know what to do. Now it's been 2 days done of jobclub and I don't receive $500 from my granny it maybe means she's giving me $2000 by end of it or 1 year of medications, I really hope it's faster so I can feel calm and less panic about my life journey.
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