I hope I live still as a smoker because it's the only ease of pain but I have to endure not smoking like require a help or support of someone to maintain having cigs. until I quit smoking, it's really heavy how I have nothing to experience like nothing to do then just wait daily without smoking it's hard, I really have no life because of smoking im so bad luck in life. Usually it's $16 to buy 1 pack with Milo bottle, now it's $15.60 to buy the cheapest pack of cig., I still have saved about 40 cents and without a drink. I drink a lot anyway and require going to toilet, so it's like a sacrifice of Milo today. I still feel like micro earthquake shake in my head, that cigs. is important to me somehow I really don't know how to quit, I just want to earthquake feelings to be gone. It's hard life thinking about money, and I feel like its May then I get to buy Anbernic RG477V because I think I decide to be a smoker still, if not then it's still August then I buy the console, I'm really suffering about cig. and it feels like my parents don't know I smoke, it's weird they don't talk about it but it makes me want to quit smoking more, I assume next year they will rise another 20% for cig. making it more expensive as to discourage smoking, I wonder how I will get a $1000/mth job a.s.a.p because life's really hard and I remember (W) don't pity me too if I'm a smoker, it's weird they are being strict about it. I feel like I will become a cleaner or data entry job that's all, why someone that score 100% like me become desperate in life and became a nobody?
I haven't eaten since yesterday pancake in the morning, feeling hungry. I have 11 mins left to buy chicken chop tomato rice the shop will open. Writing really pass some time for me to feel better. I'm still sad how my family not giving me money yet and I feel bored like crazy just now I slept for 1 hour like that.
I think smoking makes me remember my dream more and it's more helpful like that, I'm still blurry because of shock how I have schizophrenia and I really have to live like this. It's like impossible to quit smoking because I need to be earning first to maintain having enough money for cigs. then start calculating the decrease for it.
Life is sad I don't have a girl for so long due to memory loss, and incapable of earning money, I wonder what will make them want me again, I'm really lazy to search for any new girl, I really became a nobody in life. I hope doctor give me a job faster but O.T said it's by Mid-March then I get a job maybe, I wonder what I will work as, can I be strong too? Maybe I feel like this today so weak because I didn't eat yesterday. Maybe it's nothing at all. I wonder what (S) and the rest eats, if it's not the same as me because their living and lifestyle quality looks higher as fact, I became a useless man that they once knew as someone happy and a gamer.
No comments:
Post a Comment