Day 184(232 on medications)

Feeling lazy today to write because of not smoking as the main reason I still feel sleepy somehow even if woke up around 7.20a.m. it's weird I survive until now to not buy cigs. I really hope it's the end for me.

Recovery feelings: I didn't smoke any more the cold feeling and sleepiness still around it makes me happier but I don't know if I will fall asleep in the afternoon, I drank a lot of cold water just now definitely will need the toilet. I dream something just now that I don't remember the dream, I think it's bad not remembering the dream, dream really matters like it could be telling about my future anyway but I don't remember. I'm remembering that doctor will know our dream and remember for us instead to tell the definition then I believe doctor as psychics again. It's weird I feel like I still want to sleep then I think I should write my recovery feelings again, today is odd I feel sleepy more even after 8a.m, I thought I became schizophrenic just now because I feel like not bathing because I feel sleepy and lazy but I showered anyway as usual in the morning after eating my medicines. I think if I can fall asleep fast whenever I want to sleep, it's my needed recovery state that I goal to feel because my days in life are so lonely I have nobody to talk to at all. People really have left me alone for so many years because of schizophrenia that they will experience 1 day, then they know schizophrenia shouldn't be left alone. It's bad like waiting for money to appear in life, saving money for RG477V now is the only energy of not buying cigs. anymore. Sounds of bird in the morning maybe makes can't sleep it's noisy every morning. The feel of rush to buy keeps appearing in my heart that I just stayed down lying down instead of moving along with it, it's like that kind of feeling to go through like it can carry our body to buy it. I think of trying to sleep now and see what happens, I hope I can finish the days sleeping in the sunlight and melatonin every night, because I became like a useless person now feeling weak from schizophrenia, people rather want me to feel normal like just smoking maybe if they know, than sleeping all the time, maybe just because I'm sad thinking of girls as not appearing into my life again. I don't know what can energize me to live stronger, I only have fixed schedules to follow everytime for jobclub then live life working about it. I hope it pushes to get my recovery faster.