My plan of zikir daily became semangat 2 minit because I didn't do it in the end, there's a strong hard feeling that makes me rushy in life then I just drank Redbull just now I feel stronger, I bought Redbull awhile just now, I'm really excited for the coming March to get $144 but if only I got $241 I would've not bought cigarette at all, game is more important than cigarette definitely, I can kill time daily on it experiencing life of what I have missed during my 16 years memory loss. Why nobody pity me in life and I go through this pain like this? Why is job from jobclub only in Mid March? I'm happy today is Saturday then tomorrow is Sunday I have 2 days left, before work start to earn another $18 only though, I hope I can survive this hard experience level in my life, cigarette is definitely bad but when I think, if I bought $5.90 chicken chop yesterday, then $5 nasi ayam, then today spending another $5, it's still price of a box of cigarette. Still it's quite fairly spent and saved nicely just like that, the only thing is if I don't spend on food I would have extra money saved. Money is easy for many people but it's like this to me, schizophrenia created me a weakling, but maybe today's feeling is due to eating very little yesterday, I still think I did not waste money due to the feelings in my life became better on whatever I have spent, I still feel like selling away my phone and use this spoilt Redmi phone of my brother's because just to have more money to buy RG477V by April.
It's all about waiting I guess, for the right experience in life, I really just have to go through this supported experience at jobclub that actually saved me from experiencing too much hardship due to the money being given in March. I totally need to quit cigarette and slow down like 5 sticks a day, to become 4 per day, making me able to save on cigarettes, then it become 2 per day, making me last longer on cigarette, yesterday I last long enough for 3 sticks only then I still survived today but a lot of earthquake feelings in my head, and feeling the spike still around after more than 6 months is really bad. I'm hoping for a smooth supported journey but it didn't happen, I really have to try quitting cigarette by myself.
This new specs I wear is abit dizzy feelings because it's still new and sharpness in my vision have increased, need time for my eyes to become comfortable with it. Oh I remember now yesterday I dreamt that my new spectacle broke, then I woke up I wonder what it means I will search awhile now as I want to write a long post. I found one but I don't understand at all:
https://www.psychologistworld.com/dreams/dictionary/spectacles
I really feeling like wanting to work as cleaner in ISS company because it looks like many old people survive it means young people like me can survive working at there too, maybe it's actually easier than I imagined, I really hope for a nice work, but I think theirs need to wear safety shoes so it means I can't work because my legs will be in pain.
At the moment I still can't get myself a job from agency it means life will really become difficult for me having to rely on jobclub alone, I wonder why my recovery is so unpleasant like no supportive words from my family about it at all, I really remembering how I became strong to quit cig. for 8 months during my N-level at that time when I was young, it's really hard but I managed to cope without cigarette with the help of (W), somehow she energizes me to not smoke then I feel she's fine with it already since it's been so many years, I hope she don't or never will hate me just because of cigarette. (S) and (A) energizes me that they're fine that I smoke I think, then I became feeling nothing bad of smoking. I remember in M.R.T it really sounds like I will become someone really smart 1 day and hope jobclub directs me to a job that I will gain in Status that I don't have to take O-level like wish of (A), but it's like against my wish too because I'm too old yet low achievement. I really don't want to be someone without a Diploma, I wonder when's the story of doctor that soldier job will be open when S.A.F knocks doors to ask if someone wants to become a Soldier, I remember I will be still busy learning Iqra by then.
I feel like I've missed Iqra for 1 day, and the dream of broken spectacle is about it? Like I broke my promise, it's bad I want to learn Iqra after this.
I've messaged my mother but hoping for a positive reply, it's really hard my life I tell my mother to support me in the message.
I really don't know what to do, I feel like becoming my brother I remember he asked my mother for support of $200 and pay her back, I really need Mid March to get a happy job that I know it's at least $1000, because it's going to be a full-time job, then I remember all job that salary is $1600 will be $1800, if get such job will be nicer too. Life's really hard I hope my mother give me a happy response.
It's really hard, the job application at Jollibee says about having a nice smile, my smile is bad hahaha, I really can't work F&B, it's hard writing like this to express my bottled-up feelings, I really hope I get a job that by May my blog becomes a domain again: www.bottles-uncapped.com paying just USD$10/year for it, I really want to live up my childhood ambition of having a personal .com until I'm old age.
Right now I'm just at my living room lying down writing this blog on my Android, people are having a life without feeling hard in head or heart like me, then I am just waiting for money like a schedule to finish, I remember by March it will become lighter as no nurse will visit me anymore, I hope the ease in life will gain me more energy to get a nice job and focus on jobclub alone. It really takes times and months to recover from a kind of pain that have no money as the main reason of pain, I really hope I don't suffer and somehow manage to save up and survive my month of March, I really need more money in February and I'm not working a daily job because it became too painful as always the same pain keeps repeating in my mind and heart, that the jobs are too boring. I really hope I can become like Hisyammuddin "kerje ape2 je dulu", it's too tough like this, it's like I won't be getting a nice job at all.
I wonder what kind of man I will become due to schizophrenia, nobody cares and I survive on my own, looking forward to little money that brings me happiness, like a poor experience when I can live better if my family support, what is all this pain for in life? I really don't know what I can do to survive this kind of pain, really need a temporary job maybe, and it looks like I can't get full puasa too, I really want to feel normal during Hari Raya, I'm too old to be feeling like this.. I really thought 38 years old is the day I will become a Soldier or Hacker Job then I'm 38 this year but still not yet one, why is it so long cant doctor give me a shortcut in life like a nice job that I will work for more than 6 months? I really want to work I remember my past working in aeRo2K and miss my ways of life always having money that I didn't save in the end, I became a useless person for real.
I'm really thinking hard if I should just work as a cleaner, as the main goal is to experience recovery, then doctor saying after 1 year of injection then oral medication, it means I still have to be on medication, when is my recovery then I thought it's 38 years old?
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