Already noon now

Now just waiting until night time, I have eaten chicken airfried with Abit of rice, just having some hours to go before sleep, then work for 3 hrs tomorrow then done, my life is really like a useless person, I feel bad and no excitement at all in my life, it's like a dull-feeling to experience, I wonder why it's like this.

I am thinking about jobs, I am sad how slow is the job opening then if I work dishwasher I feel like I can't get (S) at all, it's weird, even McDonald's makes me feel like I can't get (S), I really don't know what to do to get her, she made me wait for so long and she don't miss me at all too. What am I doing in my life is right? It's the only path in my life if I want her? It's so long kind of wait and I have to wait.

I still haven't downloaded any PSP games because I have no feelings to have fun, it's so boring my life.

I will learn Iqra later and today is my 35th day of Iqra, I really hope I can read it smoothly but the writings difference causing me to lag Abit of reading it, and wonder what alphabet it is sometimes, I really hope I will be successfully reading all 1 day, I can read if it's full Arabic alphabet I think I should have memorized everything already.

I feel like I need something to do if to give up on (S), she's always updated about me but I haven't been updated about her, but the important point is still she knowing that I love her, I wonder how long will it be. What should I do? Why is she willing to make me wait so long? Isn't it going to reach a level of heartlessness too? She didn't reject me straight too, just telling she's "attached" in the past. It's weird I have to keep hoping but I really haven't given up. I wonder what I should do I feel like a useless person earning $18/day every jobclub work day, then imagine March having to work 3 days a week, why don't they just employ me already? I really need to feel an end of pain about small money, I need to earn big or normal in life. I really feel like I can do this, I really searched for dishwashers job just now and I feel like applying but then some require safety shoes and I can't work if safety shoes because my legs will be in pain. I really just can only wait? Should I ask my O.T for dishwasher jobs as she ever said it's easiest to get.

I now remember about my mother's friend ever plan of giving me money if I have done 6 months out of ward on medications I think, it's because she's treating me like her own son, I wonder why I keep getting people treating me like their son, it's weird I wonder what people pity about me, I hope she remembers, it's funny because I never spoken to her before, I wonder if it will be okay too, it's also weird Mak Ni still haven't contacted despite it's February to tell me about giving me $2000, hahaha. Now I'm imagining like maybe it's not a dream after all, it's like my memory of (S) came back and I know it's reality, means I will get money this or next month other than my Salary I think, I hope it's true.

I don't know how long i will survive this, it's a true suffering as fact, I have eaten my "Mood Support Pills" and hope I recover anhedonia through it, I read antipsychotics medicines create anhedonia, I'm so unlucky, it's been the medicine after all and not cigs.

I am going to learn Iqra now then think of what to do, I maybe will write more because of boredom and feeling empty in my life.