After Thursday is 3 days of rest days then it makes me happy like that, I really got to finish all jobclub and get a job to be happier, I wonder if I should just apply for any dishwasher job that appear and work as it, thinking of (S) makes me feel Popeyes is a better profile, the point is I want to take home $1400 at least monthly and Popeyes is my only way I think, but I don't know if $1400, maybe $1000+ a month is fine with me as I use around $200/mth maybe, the first month can last me 5 months already, I think if I continue working I can become rich. Wonder what's taking them so long to give me a job at Popeyes. The one that supervise me said that a man will look for me a job and not saying it's Popeyes, it may be other jobs too, I really hope it's Popeyes as it's close to my home too. Just now I see people working at McDonalds looks tempting to try apply for a normal job too. I really want to have a stable life not feeling like this all the time, like short of money everytime, schizophrenia is really bad to have in life, people don't trust with money maybe because of schizophrenia making me a poor life without their care or regret, I wonder why people can become not feeling anything if someone have no money, it's weird too.
Now I'm just resting at Sofa having entire day to wait until tomorrow work at Jobclub, I think my entire day is going to be like this as I have no plans in life. I'm unlucky how my working days doesn't clash with Chinese New Year so I still have to complete 8 days of Jobclub this month. I feel my mind at higher ease when I'm reminded of my first days outside ward I walk at under tunnel M.R.T and planning to use up my data by taking pictures, it became a very nostalgic place to walk at, I really got some memories walking at there that I ever thought was going to walk first time with (S) 1 day because it's a new area. I miss having a lover in life but anhedonia makes me can't have a lover anyway, I don't feel happy at all and nobody cares about it.
I wonder why nobody is celebrating I take medicines well like giving me enjoyment in life, I feel bad and have to cope about it, luckily today is 4th February and I wonder how I will spend my money, I feel like smoking promoted the anhedonia to happen but it's weird if I don't smoke I would feel bad anyway, I wonder how if anyone really see the situation I am in and will help me out or I will think for myself how to quit smoking, I really hope I have enough money to last me all the way of February and I still wonder why my mother isn't giving me money and had believed I have no money but still topup my EZ-link letting me have no money as fact, it's weird for a parent to do this like being okay to have no money. I live a survival kind of life and it's like bad for me a schizophrenic then living in survival, they're really this heartless to me?
It makes me just wanting to get job at Popeyes faster, I really pray I get a job faster, it's like zikir don't work for me anymore and I became having nothing to do everyday, it's like road to insanity everyday and nobody pity me about it. I feel like I should look out for jobs myself if Popeyes is too long. I feel like working at MOS Burger too, but a place of working if have O.T monitor my efforts will be nice, if I find a job myself no O.T will monitor for me the jobplace, if I became like Hisyammuddin I will find a job myself, it's weird looking at him living better, I know medicine is enough to keep working normally, I can't be strong like him I guess that's why I still wait for work from Jobclub like this.
I imagine now what is Imam Mahdi doing why poor Muslims like me have to really suffer through schizophrenia and nobody supporting me but my brother 2 times, total of $300 already, will he create a business for Muslims to be successful in life? Are the few number of Muslims as real? I just want a heavenly feeling because of schizophrenia a mental illness then it means nobody would believe I have physical pain and it became hard to describe, I feel like I have nobody in life as to live like an instruction of "just take medicine" everyday, I really became hard to grow up.
I think I look for jobs for now and see what happens, I can only think of Dishwasher jobs at Hotels as a stable job then I can't think of anything else, I wonder why my life became a useless person but thinking of Hisyammuddin energizes me again that I can work and earn well 1 day.
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