Tomorrow 2nd day of work at Jobclub!

Finally earning another $18 tomorrow, it's really slow and low but as long can last until 1 month I'm okay with it, it's harsh to last $144 for 1 whole month but I must do it. I really goal to work at Popeyes full time and hope I become something 1 day, like my cousin Hisyammuddin now working at M.R.T with a big salary, he survived the hotness of people's talk 1-time only and not like me more than 16 years trying to take medications, this year I'm finally ending the wasted days of my life from happening again.

It's Day 174 today out of ward on medications and total of 222 days on medications.

My Simba data usage is 2.82gb/400gb and I'm not going anywhere today so it will be like this until tomorrow my Jobclub.

Tomorrow at Jobclub I will receive 2 new Shirt with logo of I.M.H as it's the end of my probation and their new system is like that, I find it cool people will look at me seeing I work at I.M.H, it truly energizes me to go to work at Jobclub. Life's really getting better slowly but surely.

Just now I went to shop and I bought Redbull as my daily fix plan of life is like that, without Redbull I feel bad in the day like wanting something sweet for my tongue, I really hope tomorrow I'm stronger for Jobclub and it ends peacefully too. It's weird my mind being schizophrenic then I keep thinking of (S) etc. it's like my mind doesn't think of anything else and it's just like that, hearing voices, then thinking of them especially (S) it's just my daily repetitive mind everytime like that.

I really feel bad like how I haven't zikir for so long and I remember Hisyammuddin Solat at that time, I wonder how to get energy like him, maybe it's just my body health that I have been schizophrenic for so many years then I can't Solat, I remember I used to Solat for around 1 year only then I stopped because of hot feelings compacted into my body, it makes me dream and see things, other than hearing voices and sounds, I feel like my sleep can go to other realm and there's a different world during sleep to enter, to enter heaven especially when memorize Asma-Ul-Husna, then after memorizing I didn't experience heaven realm during sleep I thought it was nothing I wonder why they wrote memorizing Asma-Ul-Husna is enter heaven then, the imagination of Psychic and Wali Allah can enter other realm didn't match my life, I really in the same hot world at that time but I experienced a Jackpot feeling and happy about it, I was satisfied I completed something like that in my life and I know it's like a thing to bring all my family and relative to heaven with that as reason, I also imagined my prayers to be answered quickly then get to go out with (S) then it didn't happen, (S) is not a puppet if prayers answered means I don't see how prayers can make her heart want me then, like a puppet if it happens because of Asma-Ul-Husna, then actually she just actions of in love with me if it happens, I'm sad I didn't get (S) after believing memorizing 99 Names of Allah will enter heaven, I'm still on earth until today and didn't enter the Heaven realm at all. I thought exist supernatural power to enter different realm and even train(to fight) in other realm too. Like suddenly knowing Silat without any teacher.

Today is Wednesday and I'm happy the date is 4th, it's like finishing my first week of February soon, then only have 3 weeks to go until February is done and me getting $144 from Jobclub after doing all the 8 days of work, I really want money as something smooth to have in my life without difficulty but I experience difficulty and stucky life without money. (S) probably have no worries of money at all after more than 10 years of work, then she is a different lifestyle than me, she is more than 10 years ahead of me of having money, I'm sad I'm such a useless person. I remember I will get money anyway from family 1 day then suddenly will be rich like Hisyammuddin as story of voices that reaches my memory, medicine really made him strong and I hope I become stronger too and can be successful like him, I feel like I will takeover him being the most childish cousin in the world hahahaha, another status. I'm so old now but still blogging, nearly 40 years old and doing this.

I'm thinking if my health is fine and my recovery if can become faster, I really want to feel the phase of "recovering from schizophrenia" instead of "living life with schizophrenia", it really feels the same, my family are not nicer to me even if I take medicines and they didn't update me anything about getting a better life from giving me money, I feel bad and like a useless person hoping the energy of Jobclub doesn't fade and it makes me a better person slowly. That's all I write for now, I hope I find something better to do other than PSP games and Iqra, I really need to focus on something 1 day, I wonder what it is.